Working?

I've been working too much again, haven't I?

It's all about work again these days when I blog that I am starting to find it boring...

I need to get out of this circle of work....am I really working that much????

It's Here!

It's here, it's here, it's FINALLY here....the wedding that I have been asked to me the MC =)
Well, not actually the master of ceremony as a whole...I am just the lector/cantor/commentator during the mass in the church

Anyway, it doesn't matter, either way, I am still excited and am looking forward to be helping a friend and to read the proceeds of the mass

It has been a while since I have been an MC and come to think of it, I do miss it once in a while *winks*

I have gotta start choosing my dress as this is the house of God, and I am proud to be there =)
Congrats to the bride, hopefully I can upload the pics soon...gotta ask a friend to help me out;)

P.S: I've gotta think of how to style my new hairstyle too....I've yet to post my pics of my short hair here, eh? =P

New Haircut

Filled with regret!!
I regret going for a haircut after landing in Penang yesterday!

I should've waited; even though I needed a trim badly.
I just didn't expect the horrors of yesterday (old school) to come back and haunt me...because, I TRUSTED my hairdresser.

He made a mistake, I guess, most of the time, he's pretty accurate.
Somehow, yesterday, my hair ended up shorter than what I wanted.

I can't help sulking over it, I was upset but I didn't make him feel bad.
He blew it nicely for me to walk out of the salon; but I still wished it was longer.

Oh dear, this has relived my phobia of hairdressers and haircuts =(
I can't believe myself....

I was really down in the dumps last night; but then again, I kept telling myself, c'mon, is it really that bad?
Then I started thinking ways to cheer up myself and the positive ways to look at my haircut and myself in the mirror, listing all the good and lovely things about the haircut.

Seriously, it was tough, but after a while, I realized, "Hey, this haircut is kinda cute"
"It is different from my other hairstyles"
and the list goes on....

Well, I don't feel so bad now; although the dread do creep in occasionally =(

Anyway, there is nothing I can do at the moment, right? What's done is done, and what I need to live with is my choice, I can choose to be happy about it or brood over it until my hair grows longer which means I need to drown in misery for at least a month or two.

Nahhhh...life's too short for sadness and besides, being sad makes one grow older by years...

So, I am smiling, and yeah, it's starting to make me feel better.... =D

Do remind me to specify/emphasize that I just want a trim on my next trip to the hairdresser, though...=P

End of the year~

How time flies! It's finally the end of the year already...well, technically though not nearly YET

We are already in the 4th quarter of the year; and well, it seems to me that it's as good as the end already and I just love this part of the year...
I don't know when it first started but I guess we have all been mechanically programmed to the thought of holidays since our school days.
Remember how the longest semester break always seems to linger around the end of the year? I guess that's where it all started and that's why I am part of the statistics who just love year end for the holidays.

When it comes to the thought of holidays, it is all about relaxation, isn't it?
Hahaha...I start to imagine about vacations...
Yeah, the reason why it's imagination is because I am too swamped up with work these days to even take a day's off.

I was supposed to take next Monday/Tuesday off...well, take a little trip home and join my best mates for a slumber party (Halloween-themed) and then celebrate All Saints Day and visit my grandparents's cemeteries on All Souls' Day...yeah, all in one weekend.
I have yet to utilize 70% of my annual leave, and frankly, even I did not realize that I have not been taking leave this year!
Have I been that into my work?

I really need a vacation soon...I am in a vacation mood but yet at the same time, I am still thinking about my work so much...
I do need to be cautious about overworking, otherwise, I will be burnt out soon

But...again, holiday seasons are here...Halloween, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving...birthdays and yeah, Christ's birthday is coming soon too....oh, for the love of the holidays~

Not so bad, after all...

Things have been going good at the moment; well which is good as I have braced myself for the worst times.

Anyway, I guess this is the high tide times which I should be happy with; enjoying it and riding on the tidal waves of happiness and success.
Well, being the worry-wart me, I am still skeptical sometimes on the prospect of the looming bad times as well.
Perhaps I have been traumatized by some of the bad experiences?

Well, whatever, it seems that things are not looking that bleak anymore and I just need to learn to gear myself with the necessary equipment if the low tide is here again; anytime soon.

I am happyyyy...and yeah, it's good to be happy all the time...I like that!
Everything's fine now; except for the occasional hiccups in my sensitive health...and if you're one of those who's asking whether I am getting married, well, bin that...because we are talking about something else here =)

BE HAPPYYYY....I shall be.....as long as I want =D
A HUGE SMILE on my face, every day!

Vacation please....

I really want to go on a vacation....well, it was kinda sudden...it's like a sudden impulse and a lightning which just struck!

Actually I've been wanting to go on a vacation this year; but I didn't have the time to as I was so busy working and I didn't put much thought to it.
At the same time, there does not seem to be much holidays for us for the last few months.
Some of the public holidays and their replacements were taken off by my company to be replaced during the festive seasons and as a result, we are working through all the replacement holidays as well.
I think I still have most of my annual leave days left and I am saving them...well, for some festive seasons and also for my own vacation.

Now, I really want to go for a vacation so badly...
I am checking up on the places to go to....I am dreaming of a vacation already....
It's towards the end of the year anyway, and for my company, the last fiscal year has ended and we have started the new fiscal year.

It's time for a vacation...I think I really need some time off to relax and just chill!!!!

***Dreams of the destinations for my vacations*** (I shall not reveal at the moment, to be updated in my travel blog)

My lil Ergo beanie

I call this my little ergo-jelly-beanie!

Remember that I was having some discomfort with my right wrist which arose due to ergonomic problems?
Well, there are lots of ergonomic-friendly products out there; for your information to promote the healthy way and reducing the stress and tension on hands, neck, feet, back, etc.

I have another jelly beanie mousepad and used to have a long velvety wrist rest when I type on my keyboard at work; something which I really missed =(

Now, I got this as a gift from my good friend...THANKS THANKS!!
It's really cute and fun to use...and I really loved it a lot.

It is not a 100% help to reduce the discomfort but it was not too bad to play with sometimes.
Initially, I wanted to save it as I found it too cute to be used =P

If only it is also pink...LOL, then I will be very happy!!
But, since this is a gift, it's really cool already...and I must really thank that kind thought from this friend =)

It's portable and now, I bring it everywhere with me....wherever I got! =D

When justice speaks...

I believe in justice; I do...really.
I always believed that justice will be done eventually....because good always triumphs over evil.

It may take some time, but the Judgment will always come and everyone will be meted their rightful punishment or if they have been good, only reward awaits them.

Some may tell me that this is wishful thinking, but I still hold on firm to this dear belief, despite being in a superficial and nasty world out there.

It is known that things can be unfair all the time, but I still believe that it is a matter of time before justice can truly triumph.

For those of you whom I have confided in over the past few months, you probably know a little here and there about my predicament at dealing with a certain individual who have posed certain threat to me.
Sometimes I feel like history has indeed repeated itself; I never wanted to harm or sabotage anyone at all at work or in anything I do...I don't even want to harm an ant or an insect sometimes.

However, it is inevitable that when you don't want to find trouble, trouble comes for you.
It's really sad sometimes, and I know some people do it out of insecurity, But, this is a BIG BUT, don't they think of how they could hurt others in the process as well?

I know that sometimes we need to be selfish, but not to the extent of posing threats and harm to others.
I feel revolted when I look at all the superficial and fake laughs and handshakes being passed around.
As if you could pretend that nothing had happened?

Last week, I felt that justice has spoken; not in a big way but rather, in just a small way but enough to make me leap back into the stronghold of my faith that Justice truly does exist.

I have wanted to be a lawyer at some point; well, something that just crossed my mind. It's probably due to how I've wanted to fight and help people who are being bullied by the ones in wealth and power who could buy justice.
Yeah, it sounded noble? Well, some say I may be stupid for not thinking of financial benefits before I do that...
It was the same with my initial ambition of being a doctor, I have always thought of helping people through the pain and their sufferings, and it does not matter who they are.
When they lie on the bed, they are just the same as everyone else and all you can see is how weak they are and it angers me sometimes when I read about how some doctors turn away their patients just because they are poor and have no money to pay for the downpayment before the hospital or the specialists agree to treat them.
The same goes for how some innocents could be convicted of a crime which they did not even lift a finger to do it...
I can't say much now, since I am neither a doctor or a lawyer right? I don't want to pass judgment on anyone or anything pertaining to the two fields...

I know, life is full of injustice...and it is just everywhere, whether we like it or not and I am constantly in this push and pull situation.
I felt that I am suffocating in a world of pretense and fictitious people; beings who can stab you in the back and yet put their arms around you to hug you a few seconds later.

It is just so disgusting sometimes!

Well, I was pleased with something which happened last week...and I felt that I was not alone in a warring battle, where I used to think I only have one comrade.
Turns out, unexpectedly, I actually have more than one comrades...some are generals and lieutenants even!
I am happy, but I can't share much here....well, it's just something personal...and I still want to contain that excitement and happiness because I do not want to jinx it..

You know what they say when you speak too soon, and never count your eggs before they are hatched..

I don't hope for a glorious victory; but it suffices that there is a tiny speck of justice after all...and I must thank those little gifts sent by God to comfort me...

Justice does exist...and it will prevail... =)

My thoughts on marriage...

"When are you getting married?"

It seems like wedding bells are ringing all over the places; and if you have read in my Angelstar blog, my latest post is also about the topic of marriage.
Well, it is a question that most of us should be or are already thinking about at our age.
(We are not that old though, mind you)

It is a question that all of us are passing around when we hear of yet another announcement by our close friends, relatives and peers, and sometimes, our own parents.

I guess, it is a sign that our biological clocks are ticking away, and unfairly, we, the fairer sex seems to suffer the consequences from the ticking of the clocks; if not the speed of how our clock is compared to the male gender.

Conservatively speaking, sometimes I am sure some of us have even gotten the remarks that we should have been parents at this age and then we had to bear another hour of lecture whereby the elders launch into their stories of how young they have gotten married and had children.

Oh well, I guess we need to live with that, but contemporarily speaking, it is after all, the new age of technology and modernization and it is so advanced these days that some do not even need to get married to have children with all the in-vitro fertilization, etc.

Of course, I am not thinking along these lines nor am I swearing off marriages, love relationships.
It is just that, I do not like to be pushed or pressured into doing something.

It is my relationship and my marriage, why do I have to please others and their desires?
I think I have already pleased people most of the time and I think I deserve to be given a chance to do whatever I please in my own relationship and matters pertaining my own marriage.

I have listed out most of my thoughts about marriage in general in my Angelstar blog (go read it if you haven't as this is more like a sequel to it, not promoting my other blog =P )

Here, I am going to go to a more personal depth and share my own thoughts about how I would perceive my own marriage.

To me, marriage is not just finding a Mr Right; but rather a soul mate.
I know, the word soul mate sounds rather subjective, but in short, my partner needs to be my best friend before we proceed any further.

It does not sound that complicated, right?

After all, marriage is all about being with your soul mates; and if you can't understand or know each other at all, you are just merely two acquaintances involved in a sexual relationship rather than a marriage.

I do not perceive my marriage as that way; I want a fulfilling and truly happy relationship.
He must know me well; he must be my best friend and will always understand why I make certain decisions without me having to explain it to him.
He must trust me; that even if it involves huge wrong doings, he will not question me.
(Of course, unless I decide to murder him in his sleep, that's a different question but if he knows me well enough, that won't ever cross his mind, trust me=)

I don't just want a marriage, I want a real relationship.
One where we both know each other very well; and not just label each other as "This is my boyfriend/girlfriend"

I can't just accept someone who likes me at first sight or claims that they are deeply in love with me before I even know them!
It's ridiculous, maybe because I want to know someone or they should know me before we talk about even a relationship.
Otherwise, to me, that's just acquaintances.

It's like a friendly relationship; yes, even friends can have a relationship.
I have a really close relationship with my best friend (bestie) and some of my good friends. Relationship does not necessarily mean you must be holding hands and belong to each other.

That comes to the next part, marriage is when I feel that we belong together; we are meant for each other...and all these fit in because we were already best friends and we have already known each other's perks and quirks.

Too complicated?

Perhaps this is the way I think. I want to do the same thing for my partner, I don't want him to be the only one who does what I want him to do or who I want him to be.
No, I can't and I won't try to change a person and that goes the same for everyone.

We all come from different backgrounds and upbringing; which makes each and every one of us unique. If we fall in love with a person and then find that we are not comfortable with his/her behavior and try to comment about it, then well, we need to go back to the origin; where we actually only fell in love with his looks or physical appearance.
I know it's not easy, I am not perfect either when it comes to matters like these.

I have read this somewhere once; that we should choose someone (for a life partner or a partner) who makes us smile or laugh.
We should choose someone who will not make us frown and (Definitely) not cry.

When I look at it from my angle, in short, it's someone who just makes us happy.
It is the same thing that I have thought as well, that I want to be with him because I want to, not because I have to.

Someone whom we look forward to see, and not worry anxiously about how to please him/her
Someone we are just comfortable with, who knows when we are in good/bad mood and how to act about it
Someone who just puts a smile on my face when I am with him, about to see him or even when I am not with him (you know, just thinking of that person makes you smile or melts your heart)

These are the fundamental things that apply to a positive relationship which can lead to the important phase of marriage.

Another thing which is important is, in times of trouble, who is the one who comes to your mind first?
Put it the other way as well, when you are happy or have great news, who comes to your mind first?

It is these little things that make you realize the importance of one to you.
When you pick up the phone when you want to talk, who do you feel like texting or calling?

When you are not with each other, do you think of that person a lot??
Do you miss their company?
Do you wonder about what they are doing at certain times of the day or the week?
(I know, I am starting to sound like some lyrics from a love song or a radio deejay on those Dear Abbey talk shows)

In reality, you may think these are mushy, but you will be surprised at how relevant and how true this applies to the relationships.

Yeah, if you are wondering where's my thoughts on marriage, well, these are all it...why are we getting married?
These are the questions and elements that would make me think of marriage.
After all, marriage is about spending my lifetime (or at least the rest of my life from the point I say "I Do") with that man.

It is not mushy anymore; when you think about it but rather, these are critical and reality to determine whether you are really comfortable or do you really love that person as much as you thought that you want to be with them forever and that is final; no change.
(Yeah, you can still oogle your eyes at pretty and hot chicks half her age or for the girls, drool over how hunky or suave a guy looks, but in the end, you still love that wrinkled woman in the kitchen or that big belly man in his couch; ouch, I felt that picture is kinda going into the overly descriptive or dramatic mode =)

My bottomline is that I must think of all the answers to those questions and in fact, there's more to think about...
Do I worry when I hear he's in trouble/sad?
Do I cry when he cries and laughs when he laughs? Do I want to make him laugh as well?
Do you think that same way too?
Do you want to be there when he/she's sad or worry anxiously when you are so far away and you want to be next to him/her immediately? (You would book the next immediate flight if you could?)

I do believe that when the right time or the Right person comes along, nothing matters anymore...and everything seems to fit into place...

Well, I guess that's why they say, Love is Blind...and sometimes, you can't be too practical about love.
After all, what is the true definition of love?
Nobody has the actual answer...it is an interpretation to be done by the person in love =)

So, ready for marriage? I shall leave the question to answer by itself someday... *smiles*

Letting go...

I've recently gone into a calm and different phase in my life and my thoughts.
I have a good memory of things that had happened in the past; incidents which involved me or affected me, happy or unhappy, and somehow all these came to my mind of late.

Well, it's funny how I see it differently compared to when I was in the situation itself, and some unhappy incidents? I could even smile at it and thought how silly of me to have reacted that way at that time.

Those were the little things; and some had a more serious effect which I still felt bothered by it, although not so much anymore.
Funnily though, I was even thinking of how to mend certain issues.

I may not be in the wrong, mind you, in those issues but somehow, I just wanted to do something about it.
It's like I woke up suddenly and decide, "Hey, if people are going to stay mad or hate me, at least I did something about it first before letting it rot to that extent, right?"

Well, perhaps I am not going to get any response or maybe I could end up getting a hate mail.
Either way, I still have nothing to lose.

I don't know why, perhaps I am a person who just hate to have grudges or even hatred; I could not hate someone (unless if it's like a really huge crime).
It bothers me if I have, in, any way, caused people to hate me at one point or another as well.
Call me weird, but maybe it's just me.

I am referring to an old-time issue; something which happened at work...some time ago where there were two co-workers whom I was involved in a conflict or something of that sort.
I know they probably detest me; even though I never wanted to harm them, but probably my unintended actions had directly or indirectly hurt them that they found fault with me.

It's been so many years now and we are no longer keeping in touch; it is not wonder, isn't it?
People around me are telling me to let it go, forget about it, they are not worth my time and efforts anymore.
It is no longer an issue for me to bother with.

However, I am not one for letting go or giving up easily and apparently, having a good memory is also a burden sometimes.

Some things just cannot be wiped out from my memory, and this is something which used to bother me terribly as I felt it was distressing that someone actually dislikes or even hates me.

I know there is nothing I can do about it; I can't alter one's mind or perception towards me, but I do want to try to do something about it now.

Some may just call me plain stupid for venturing into a lion's lair; asking for abuses to be hurled at myself but I just wanted it to have a right end to it.
You know, if they hate me, well, I just want to tell them sorry.
I just wanted to apologize if I have ever hurt them in any way that I've not imagined and that I never meant it that way.

Of course, what they choose to do with my apology is entirely up to them as there is no way I can control their minds nor their actions.
At least, I am assured that I have indeed done my part and that I have ended it with a mini effort to mend it.

If it remains broken, at least there is no regret that I've not done anything about it.

Perhaps this is part of my way of dealing with incidents of the past; letting go of my own emotions and having a hand in it at least once.

Or perhaps, you can call this maturity? =)

It sounds crazy...

I know it sounds crazy...but I do miss the times when I used to go to work really early

I remembered when I first started working, I actually go to work at about 5am and reach my office before 6am
(I could be earlier than the janitors sometimes, seriously!)

I am so early that I always get the first parking spot near to the entrance (you know Malaysian drivers-lar!)
I take my own sweet time and relax in the office; turning on my Outlook and also logging into my messenger as well.
Then the day begins, busy busy day where I will be attending meetings, working on my stuffs, preparing all the materials for meetings and presentations.

I will be working my way through until probably 5-5.30pm sometimes before I leave the office.
Of course, I do leave sometimes at 4.30pm as well.....it's a privilege when the boss tells you to leave due to my crazy working hours

I know, it really sounds crazy, as my boss used to put it as I work for more than 12 hours!

The craziest part, I actually did not feel angry or frustrated by the working hours and I don't even complain.
(By the way, it's not even the company's policy to start this early!)
I actually enjoyed working those hours...

I know, my family, friends, and my colleagues (including my own boss) calls me crazy
Hehe...I do admit, now as I look back at (past) life, it does looks crazy.

What a contrast to my current working life!
Well, right now, I go to the office during regular office hours...yeah, back to normal

I don't know, I think this is all about passion which drives us forward
Don't you think so?

Oh ya, go ahead and brand me a workaholic...I am used to it =P

When the going gets tough...

Times are tough these days, and sometimes, I just feel so disgusted with some of the pretentious facades around me
I could not take it at all; much as people telling me that I need to put on a fake front as well and pretend nothing happened.

How could I do that?
If I were to pretend nothing happened at all, doesn't that make me the same as those people?

I know it's required to be diplomatic sometimes, but deep down inside, I just feel it's all plain weird.
I chose not to fight, but it doesn't mean that I have surrendered
I choose the path of peace, that we can resolve things maturely

I have been through the good and tough times, and I've realized lots of things during the turbulent period
In a way, I do not complain that it happened sometimes, because I did learn something out of it and it taught me to grow up

Good things are always great of course, when they come your way but it's sometimes those undesirable things which turn out to have an unexpected outcome, don't you agree?

I have learnt and mature through this process; identifying the vital survival skills to keep myself alive in this dog eat dog world.
I will not let myself be in despair, nor will I brood over things that have happened and have made me fall down

Instead, I am going to hold my head up high, smile at the world, and tell them, this is not going to kill me, it's gonna make me stronger:)

As the saying goes, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going

I am definitely one to go tough and show the world that I am not gonna give up!
*SMILES*

Verbally outgoing

I was already planning to ignore most of things
I didn't want to bother anymore
I was thinking of shutting my mouth up when they act concerned

I think I am just verbal as I could not help it to voice out my opinions when I am asked
I am not one to keep quiet when there's injustice or when there are issues which require attention

I find it hard to just keep poised and act like all's normal and smile about it when there are clearly things which bother me and also people working with me in the same team
I had to bring it out
For the best of everyone

Am I just being too verbal sometimes?

My 2nd-level boss

My boss is up here again this week; well, technically, yesterday was his last day:)

We had a short meeting; discussion on projects and private discussion on performance, etc.

Hmmm...I think it didn't go too bad though...I think there's good news even =)

I am Happiee....it was indeed a great Friday, finally, after all the months I have worked and have had crappy Fridays which left me wondering why do these people love to torment you on the days when you're happiest most:(

Finally, it was a great great Friday, TGIF *LOUD*

*smiles*

Old friends...

Recently I have been contacted by a lot of old friends, who have dropped by to say hi or somehow, just found me through Facebook.
Some were even long lost classmates and friends whom I have not heard of in years!

The other day, I even bumped into my ex-boss and also received an email from another ex-boss!
(It's not that I have changed lots of jobs before, it's just that I happen to report to a lot of bosses..LOL!)

Surprisingly, all these brought a pleasant feeling to my heart...I felt loved and remembered by so many people.
It is true that sometimes we should not despair over a small bunch of people who do not value or appreciate your existence and forget about the bigger bunch who truly cared and love you.

I felt that despite the rough time I am going through at work now, I felt so warm and so treasured by the many friends, relatives, acquaintances and family members which made me feel so important.

I guess, in a way, it's a feeling that God wanted me to feel; to know that HE is also always there for me and that I have plenty of love around.

At the same time, I am already learning to let go and to ignore things which can cause misery.
Perhaps it's a form of compensation that I am truly and fully appreciated by the world out there.

So what if there are crappy people who just wants to make my life hell?
I have a larger paradise of angels and saints who are just out there to make my life seems like heaven:)

It's amazing how this works....friends, families who can just make your world a better place to work in:)

At the same time, I was just wondering, am I that bad at keeping in touch with people?
I thought I was pretty good....hahaha, was:p

No more dreams...

It's not that I am not having anymore dreams; in fact, I have been dreaming a series of dreams lately; and they seem to all revolve around different environments and different people seem to appear in each night's dream.

I think I have seen my relatives, my cousins, my ex-colleagues, my old classmates, my old admirers, some old childhood friends and even existing colleagues (only 1 or 2 from them though).

I can't help but think that almost everyone has appeared except my close loved ones...which is odd.

I know there is something there that I need to figure out; and there seems to be connection that is just staring right back at me.

Give me some time; while I sort out my thoughts and collect my senses back....I will have the answer soon...

Anyway, I don't want to continue to make this blog a 'Dreams' Blog as I kept posting on my dreams...that will make it so dull and monotonous.

That's why, no more dreams! Unless I have a really bizarre and crazy dream which I just have to share on;)

It's finally Friday, TGIF...and don't wish me sweet dreams or anything like that anymore.
I hope for a non-REM sleep this time...sound sleep is good!:D

Is it worth it?

I am really tired of all these stuffs I am doing

I felt that I have tried my best in everything and end of the day, there doesn't seem to be anyone appreciating or even an utter of thanks
Not that I am looking forward to be some poster pin-up in the Hall of Fame or something like that, but the very least is, don't instead try to put me and my efforts down. It's like pouring a bucket of ice down my back; sends a chill down my spine in a bloodcurdling way.

I am sure that my recent posts on my main blog and here has given a brief and general overview of what's going on with me and yeah, my work (it seems to be an endless topic, huh?)

I felt so unappreciated and demotivated by such a working environment and don't even get my started on teamwork.
I have worked my best and really, I really tried everything I could to do what I can beyond my own expectations.
I don't want to be just an employee who receives her list of tasks in a note form and just perform according to that; without even using the capacity of the brain cells.

Yet, what I get is a word of that I should not have done that because it is not at my level.
All these talks about transparency and respect are pushed to the background.
I tell you, if I did not make an initiative to try to resolve the issue and just decided to get help, they will again, of course, say that I have no initiative and no sense of responsibility; only depending on spoonfeeding!

It is that contradictory of their own directions and what they want from their employees.
I am really surprised and at the same time, disappointed in this company which is furthermore, an MNC.

Secondly, I could not even feel a hint of teamwork here.
When I am sick, there is never coverage; no matter what happens.
The recent issue even proved that significantly.

I wonder what is wrong with the people here
I find it hard to trust anyone here as well; there is so much politics and backstabbing and God-knows-what-else is going on here.

I never wanted to step into any of this; but inevitably, I was pulled into it again and these sadistic people just enjoy seeing/hearing that people are in trouble.
I don't know why they want to mind others' businesses so much; it's like they are minding everyone's business but their own.

I am just here to work; and to do my job and get along with people, but if people continue to be like that, like 'some people say', it's really beyond my control.

What else can I do?
I have already done what I can and that's to my best ability....I am really tired with all these...

I don't think there's anything worth my happiness and health.....

I am a positive person; and I am continuing to look at this positively...taking this as part of my learning, growing up and character molding process....

Do I miss school that much?

I had another dream again last night; I think I have been talking about my dreams most of the time here.

This time, it's not that long but I see a classroom scene.
It's like back in primary school; those old wooden and creaky desks we sit at in the classrooms.

It was arranged in a semi circle; and I was facing some of the guys (my friends).
They were seated with their backs towards the door; and I was blinded by the brightness of the sun outside as I was staring at them.
On the left I could see the old-fashioned green blackboard...call it greenboard (you remember those that we use chalks?)

Funny thing is; I kept seeing this guy (he was one of my admirers) and he kept appearing.
He was very quiet though; and it was like back in school when our friends used to tease us together.
It was very awkward and then he was hesitating whether to talk to me or go to meet me or not.

It was like a swinging situation where he was having his thoughts; and then when he wanted to come to talk to me, something or someone held him back.
He was reminded about his girlfriend and he suddenly looked confused, saying, "I don't have a girlfriend yet!"

He was confused and looked at me; and I was rooted to the ground...

Then when we sat at the semi-circle, he was the guy facing me with the sun blinding my sight again
It was all quiet then it faded...

I am just surprised at how often my dreams have the picture of my old school classrooms in them.
Do I really miss school that much?

Was that a subconscience speaking to me?

I don't know, and I think I still need to sort out all the interpretations for all my dreams...I hope I don't go crazy before that...

Yet another weird dream???

I should have blogged about it immediately when I woke up on Friday morning.

Yeah, I have had yet another weird dream the night before and it was again another bizarre dream in which I was part of it.

I think it involved my high school this time; I could see an access card.
That access card was actually the card which I use for my current condo in Penang to enter the main entrance gate.
I recalled it so clearly from the dream because it was very obvious and evident due to the card size, thickness and the words imprinted on it.

In the dream, it started with me passing the card to my dad; I think…for some reason or another. When I hand him the card, I remembered that I kept emphasizing on how important this card is and the extra precaution he needs to take to take care of it.
I couldn’t remember whether my brother was also in the dream.

I was seen as kept insisting on the importance of the card and how I need it to enter my school gates every morning (I do not know why the school gate?)

My dad nodded and did not say much.

Next I was seen to go to school early every morning; and I think I was back in those old prefect’ blue blouse and navy blue skirt I used to wear and I was walking towards the gate.

Suddenly my dad appeared and showed me the card.

It is now in a deformed shape!

Again, I remembered it clearly because it was so clear and sharp in the dream!

The card actually melted and crumpled from the side corners towards the middle. It’s like it has been burnt or underwent some high temperature oven with a tractor over it.

I remembered I was panicky (again) and was extremely upset over it; and I was crying and arguing with my dad and brother.

I kept saying, “I told you so many times to take good care of it, now it’s ruined!! How could you ruin it??? How am I supposed to go to school from now on??”

My dad was quiet and it was quite blur

Then I cried again and I remembered one of the last sentence I uttered before I woke up, “ If I knew, I would never have given you the card!! Now I even need to pay the fine and be penalized!!”

I was so upset; imagine when you are really furious or disappointed when your favorite possession is ruined by someone else.

I just felt so upset and distressed that I kept crying and arguing and then I stared at the school gates…it seemed so blurred and distant and then, I woke up.

Extremely bizarre, don’t you think?

I will try to decipher my dream too….

(I am wondering the melted/burnt card had anything to do with a honey bottle I accidentally melted on Thursday morning…LOL? Maybe hor?)

Dream of my wedding and my grandma?

I've had another weird dream last night; but it's not a spooky one which is why I have decided to post it here.

It was a long dream; as I remember and I was actually getting married!

I was dressed in a simple white tube dress with a long train; but it was easy for me to walk around.
I remember walking around a lot in the dream!

I was scheduled to have my wedding in this church; but the weird thing is, the church was actually a little chapel which is a shoplot.

The other shops next to it were empty; and I remembered that all the paint were very white.

Then I see a few guys around who were very cheerful and happy; and they were actually my friends who were supposed to help out with the wedding.
Too bad, I couldn't recall their faces...or come to think it, I don't remember anyone particularly familiar, but one thing's for sure, they are all guys.
In fact, I think they are the guys who are supposed to be the groom's brotherhood entourage although they were all helping me.

The groom?
I have no idea...I did not even see him around.

I only remembered that I was not feeling particularly like myself; and that everything seems to be in a hurry
I was not really prepared; and I was dressed really simple!
Nothing like a wedding that I could ever imagine!

I had light make-up on; and my cousin sisters were all standing inside the church
Weird; I did not even have my 'sisterhood' entourage with me!

I was feeling really lost; and I think I felt like I was not really ready for the wedding
I was feeling anxious and wondering why I am getting married so soon (or in such a hurry!)
You see, I didn't even know why I was there

I saw most of my family members looking at me; and waving at me from the church and I was standing outside the church
I felt forlorn and lonely

Then I realized I forgot my shoes....
As I panicked, I saw my brother who told everyone to calm down and asked my dad to go back to the car to get my shoes
Everyone tried to calm me down and told me to wait for the shoes in the church

Unknown to the others, I was trailing behind my brother and my dad; and I saw myself descending a flight of stairs which was carpeted in red and then led to a dark basement carpark

Suddenly, I see light again and I saw my mom at the top of the staircase
She told me to come up and I made my way up again; heaving up my (apparently) light gown and walking barefooted.

As I stood outside the church, feeling lost and miserable again
I thought of how empty the benches are and was thinking, why didn't I invite all my friends and colleagues
There seems to be only close family members and relatives
I felt so lonely; and a bit disappointed that it lacks the merry atmosphere

I wondered why didn't I want to inform other people; they will know eventually anyhow
I felt so afraid of walking down the aisle
I almost felt like I wanted to cancel and be a runaway bride!

Then I was thinking, it's okay, I shall organize another wedding dinner in KL once I am done with this ceremony
(I am guessing I am not even in my own hometown for this wedding?)
I don't even have a bridesmaid....believe it or not!

I panicked when I realized that I don't have a bridesmaid; and looked at my cousin sisters standing inside the church (they were nicely dressed)
I was wondering who to pick as my bridesmaid....but they seemed so far away

Then the piano starts to play inside the church and I know I had to start making my way into the church
I don't even have my veil yet!
I was looking around; and I saw most of the guys were looking at me; sort of eyeing me from top to toe (checking me out with a grin on their face and giving me the thumbs up)

If that was not freaky enough, suddenly I saw my very sick grandma
Yup; the grandma who is currently very very sick (she is my only grandma left anyway)
She was dressed up and had a bit of red lipstick and she looked much younger

She held my shoulder and told me to be calm
I could feel the touch of her hand on my bare shoulder (remember I was wearing a tube dress?)
She said to me these words, "Don't worry, everything will be fine. I am happy that you are finally getting married. I am very very happy now...."

In an instant, I recalled....my sick grandmother is now a great grandmother following my eldest cousin brother's wedding a few years ago; and he has borne two lovely daughters.

Furthermore, recently, my youngest uncle also had his newborn son; adding the heir that grandma so much wanted

My aunt has also said, grandma has already seen her great grandchildren, all her daughters' children (considered external grandchildren in the Chinese family context) and now she has even her own internal grandson (the heir to the family)
She has only yet to see her grandson-in-law...

Is that why I am having this weird dream?

I only know it is very weird, and I think I need some time to sort it out and decipher this dream...

I need to sort out the parts and interpret it in a right sequence....

Other things that I can remember from the dream

The tube dress I was wearing...I think it looked a bit like this

Taken from - http://flypaper.bluefly.com/images/wedding%20gown.gif



Taken from http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31OT96ip20L.jpg


I remembered even my hair was left flowing on my shoulders...yeah, it's not even done!


(From good.designs)

I almost felt like I couldn't wake up from my sleep/dream
I felt like there was a strong force to push me into the aisle
It's like I shouldn't wake up from the dream and that I have to continue to stay in the dream...

Now, how bizarre is that????

Cherish your loved ones

It is funny how negligent people are; and how all of us seem to take things for granted
It's like we take it that things around us are always there for us and part of your daily lives

So not true...

Recently, my granny is very sick and has been in and out of the hospital for countless times; each time looking weaker than the last
She has grown so thin and frail; that I was shocked and I almost couldn't believe that this is my granny
I could not help myself from feeling sad when I see her lying there so helpless on the hospital bed and suffering from the pains while we can just stand by her bed and look on (not able to do anything since we are no professionals)

It was then that I start to recall; how granny was like back in her younger days (during my childhood), when she was so vibrant and healthy
I am not that close to this granny of mine; reason because we stay 300 kilometres away and only visit granny every school holiday
Despite that, granny is still often delighted to see us (what's not, when my mother, her daughter is the only one who stays so far away from her)
She loves to cook and I remember how she often encourages us to stay and eat at home instead of going out for those local Penang hawker food

She starts cooking early in the morning and by 11-11.30am, she would have all the dishes ready on the table (piping hot!) and she would always yell, "Come have your lunch now!"
We were often reprimanded if we were to leave the food go cold and not sit down to eat immediately (no matter how full you are!)

This granny is very superstitious and often tells us the stories of the different deities and the various festive seasons associated with the beliefs
She also often forbids us from doing this or that; stating that it could bring bad luck
Needless to say, she is definitely hard to please especially during Chinese New Year where the rules are to be followed

She really hates dark-colored clothes; especially black and dark-blue
It is a taboo to wear these clothes in her house if you were to visit during Chinese New Year
I remember how she chided one of my aunts for buying a pair of blue suit for Chinese New Year and she forbade her from wearing it
She says that these are colors meant for mourning and it is pure disrespect to the elders if we were to wear it

Even on normal days, she frowns upon wholly black ensemble in her house

She loves bright colors and auspicious words; gold, red
But her favorite color is definitely purple; just like my other late grandmother

She loves to eat; and she would not hesitate to try all sorts of food
However, as she gets older, I still remember her saying that it is okay to steal a bite or two and that it meant no harm, despite all the objections from us and how we deter her from those unhealthy food

Right now, she is so frail and weak and sickly, that I feel so sad when I see her face
At the same time, I know I cannot show my sadness in front of her

All of us have to smile and cheer her up in this times

She is getting weaker by the day; and so far, doctors and even mediums (my aunts sought advice from mediums too) did not give much positive feedback

I suddenly feel worried about the fate of my grandmother..
I know that we are all being prepared mentally by the doctors and the mediums
Yet, it is no easy feat to be prepared and yet have to accept a fate

I do not want to be prepared; no...
But I do pray that she will feel very much better and not in pain or suffering

Granny is starting to mutter weird things to everyone
and she has certainly seemed much more cheerful these days
However, we are still worried

I will continue to pray for her

We should cherish our loved ones at all times and not only when you think they are about to leave
Once they have left us, it will be forever as we won't be able to see them again...
I do miss my grandmother and grandfather who have left me; although I know they are watching over us from Heaven

Never take anyone for granted; even your close friends
You may not be able to rewind the time when you have lost it
Cherish all the time you have with your loved ones..

I know I definitely will...

I used to...

I used to love working so much
I used to look forward to going to work every morning and coming home
I used to enjoy learning new things each day and going through a challenging task
I used to look forward to waking up early each day (even on weekends)
I used to enjoy being so early in the office that I am almost always the first person there (and my car is always in the first spot)
I used to feel tired after work each day and yet feel satisfied over the whole day's work

I used to...

Now...
I don't even feel motivated anymore
I am frustrated with some of the things I am doing
I feel annoyed by uncooperative and cunning people around
I can't wait for the day to end
I looked forward to weekends and wonder why it is so short
I feel exhausted every day and just feel so messed up
I can't wait to get away and run off for vacation

Can you tell me what is wrong with this picture?

I just want to blab some of my thoughts, that's all...now I need to get back to work...

I think I am overworked...I need a vacation...to stay SANE!

I am so tired!

I am really tired of all these lar...
I can't take it anymore

I just feel so sick of everything

I know, there goes another depressing post
I am not depressed
I am just tired...

I just don't feel like myself again

I just want to get out of this!

It's all a mess and the same old stuffs which I can't take anymore....

I want an EXIT!

Regret...

I regret leaving the window open last night when I went to sleep

There must be a light haze in the air as I awoke to such dry throat and lips this morning
I feel all cold outside and inside despite the really hot sun out there today

I should have just kept the darn window shut when I went to bed!

I thought the haze has been defeated by the continuous showers of rain for the past few days...

Apparently, I was wrong...

I think I should continue to keep the window closed until further observation or when I am convinced that the haze is finally gone!

Budget-keeping

I have promised myself that I must keep an eye on my budget and my spending
(Not that I am a big/irrational spender)
I just like to make sure that things are in order

It's weird how your list of things to buy have increased since you have started working and staying out here on your own
At the same time, I am also surprised at how minute the value of our ringgit has gone to when I purchase some simple groceries

A good RM50 note goes off in a blink of an eye; even when you are just buying some simple stuffs like fruits, food, or toiletries

A RM50 notes doesn't seem to be that huge of a value anymore that it really scares me

For that, I have to keep to a strict budget and make sure that I do not overspend

The other danger is the plastic (referring to credit card) which allows you to make transactions of purchases seem so easy and worry-free
Then you just write a cheque to the bank at the end of each month to clear the bills...

All paperless; electronic based and you feel stress-free since you don't see any physical movement of your money to the other party or in any transaction?

Not so, when you take a look at your ATM and noticed that the money is missing...leaving your account balance to an undesirable amount that leaves you longing for the pay day to be here soon...

I do not want to end up in that kind of situation; and I still find myself a pretty disciplined person
I have a really strong will and I can really hold myself from buying something which I really love if I have to...

Fortunately, I am still good to go...and sensible in whatever i spend...

Anyway, a girl's spending is still dangerous whenever it comes to all these sales seasons and it's the Mega or Merdeka Sales season again...

Is it me or does it seem like the warehouse sales and mega sales this year seems to be never-ending?

I must stick to my budget and buy only what I need; and not what I want or must have.....

Worry too much?

I think I worry too much.....sometimes... (or most of the time?)

I worry about almost everything
I can't keep my mind off something when it goes wrong
It will continue nagging me at the back of my mind

It will just make me feel restless and unable to have peace in my mind

It's not healthy, I know but it's just me being me
I can't help it

I know I shouldn't because it may not necessarily be any big thing

Some say I am being overly responsible for all the things I do
and how I have attached myself too much emotionally in my work

perhaps that's true....
I care too much.... about everything
I care too much when there is wrong

Does perfectionism has to do with this too?

I think so too....

Help, what should I do then?
I think I am going dizzy....this issue has been nagging at me for this whole week that I am already at my limits

I realized I have worried too much when finally, today, I have decided not to back down anymore and strike back

I am tired of being always the one to step back
I need to defend

I need a BREAK......
I want my vacation!

10 things to know about me

1. I HATE smokers; especially those inconsiderate ones (and of course, I don't really like gamblers and drinkers as well)

2. I LOVE the Rain (that's a known fact for sure :)

3. I wanted to be a doctor/dentist when I was a kid

4. I am a very LOYAL person; and I can really be attached to friends, families and even places which I love

5. There's not a lot of local fruits that I really like; seriously! I like fruits like oranges, kiwis, berries (all of em), cherries, pears, peaches, grapes...so there :)

6. I LOVE to write and READ (enough said)

7. I am a worrywart (self-confession)

8. I HATE LIARS!

9. I TRUST in GOD very much; and I am very proud of my faith (I am a Catholic)

10. I DON'T DRINK beer or hard liquor (Don't ask WHY! Period)

My Favorite Things

There's been too many depressing posts lately; and I do not like the negativity itself.

All of a sudden, I am reminded by this song which I used to love from my all-time favorite musical, The Sound of Music.

It is sung by Julie Andrews (The Golden Voice of the Century); who sang My Favorite Things.
She said to the children, "When I feel sad, I think of My Favorite Things"

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
Doorbells and sleighbells
And schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winter that melts into spring
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel...so bad


So, I should also try to remember my favorite things, to cheer myself up....

Now what are my favorite things?

1. BOOKS!!! I love my books, they are my best soulmates
2. RAIN!
3. MICKEY MOUSE!
4. My car
5. PINK!
6. My laptop
7. Gilmore Girls - they are my dose of laughter!
8. My playlist on iTunes
9. My BLOGS....need I say more?
10. My instrumental/classical music
11. ORCHESTRA
12. Piano
13. Violin
14. My ROOM
15. My Crystals
16. My Pillow
17. My Shoes
18. My bags
19. My dresses
20. My phone!! - can't live without it
21. My CDs and DVDs
22. My Fair Princess
23. Coup De Couer
24. Shopping
25. Sunflowers!
26. Snowglobes
27. Presents
28. Watches
29. Oranges
30. Australia pears (they are the best, and they seem to have vanished from the face of earth?)
31. Kiwis
32. Fish
33. Horses
34. Heritage places
35. Antiques
36. Earrings
37. Winnie the Pooh
38. DISNEY cartoons (my favorites: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty & the Beast, Little Mermaid)
39. Soft Toys
40. Honey
41. White Dresses
42. White Shoes (white everything)
43. Beach
44. Lakeside
45. A White house
46. Cottages
47. Ferrari
48. Church
49. My Family
50. God
51. Vineyards
52. Wine Glasses clinking at each other
53. Pouring of champagne over the nicely stacked glasses and toasting!
54. Duets
55. Waltz!
56. Sounds of rain pattering on the roof
57. Rainbow
58. Dressing up for an occasion
59. Owning my own house and deciding on the deco and reno!
60. Curling on the bed with my book and Mickey when it's raining
61. Airports and airplanes
62. Gushing water from waterfall

I should stop here or I could go on and on, it gets me excited.
They are all in no particular order; and don't mistake that I care about my family and God the least, because that's not true...

I am enjoying this.... *smiles*

Rainy comfort

I love the rain; I really do...
These two days have been raining for the whole day...

Typically I would rejoice and clap my hands, shouting in glee
But these two days, I have been bogged down by my work anxieties and worries that I didn't even feel so happy about the rain; though sometimes I do feel comforted that God is trying to cheer me up as well.

At the same time, I also felt reminded of my big storm that I am going through at the moment and I felt down with the weather as well...

I am confused right?

Should I feel happy or should I sigh along with the rain?
I know I should choose the happy note, but as long as my issue is not over, I can't truly be all happy yet....

Please speed UP!!!

I am not talking about the broadband; nor the connection

I am referring to the time remaining to close my issue
Things are moving rather slow because I had to wait for the feedback from the customer
I can't wait because all sorts of possibilities are running through my head and I am gearing myself up for all the arguments needed and all the things I may need to belt out during the upcoming discussion

I can't wait...I am anxious!
I want things to be all closed...so that my mind can finally rest
I cannot rest or be at peace without getting the answer

I do pray that things go smoothly and there is no major hiccups so that we don't have to go to the argument stage
I really want to settle this peacefully; please?

Only my data is needed?

I received an email from my boss yesterday as I was approaching the end of my working hours
(My boss sits in KL; operating from the HQ)

His request was very simple; asking me to consolidate the data for the reporting of last quarter's results and inclusive of year-to-date and also, to forecast up to September (which is the end of the fiscal year in my company)

Surprisingly, the email was only to me and my other colleague; the one who was constantly MIA was in the CC loop along with my admin and two other managers.

Initially, I was definitely wondering, why only me?
Why do I need to be the only one to consolidate?
Why does that colleague get away everytime?

But I thought again; and I think I know why
I look at the positive side and I think it looks better

Maybe I am the only one with data, after all? Hahaha...
And maybe, it doesn't really matter whether he has data or not? =P

Furthermore, he is in CC loop and I am sure he will definitely say that he is not supposed to do anything since he is in CC loop

This is one person that thinks CC and To are always the same; because even when the email is really addressed TO him, he still ignores....
So I guess, nobody wants to waste time asking him to do anything, perhaps

Now, doesn't things look much better? :D

P.S.: I am not being mean...it IS the truth!

Taking it all in a stride

Things keep happening to me recently especially at work
Then I am worried about my poor old grandmother who is severely ill; something which the whole family is helpless about as we cannot do much to rectify the situation

At work, I am thrown into a huge cauldron of fire and I have to swim my way out by myself
(refer to my primary Angelstar Blog Haven blog for the story)

I am all alone these days; I feel so alone although I know I am not alone as besides Almighty Father and all the beautiful angels and saints around me, I still have my family and good/best friends who are all supporting me in one way or another, telling me not to give up

I cannot be with them physically but I can sense their concern and their worries about me, and I know they are all praying for my well-being

I feel touched and do not worry as I did not lose hope or the grip on myself

When times are tough, the tough gets going
It is not like some people say, "It cannot be helped"
Oh yes, things can be helped

We are in control of the situation
Things happen, so what
We can't let the effects control our minds and limbs and not do anything about it

We need to do something about it
Even if we need to be in sweat and tears
But as long as we tried our best, who is there to stand there and judge us?

Perhaps it's my faith, and my never-giving up attitude or maybe it's even my experiences so far which has certainly helped to mould my mindset and my character along the way to make me a stronger person like who I am today

Unfortunate things do happen sometimes; or for some, all the time but yet, there is always a fortune out of it
God is fair and merciful

There is always a silver lining beneath every cloud
And for me, the silver lining is to learn to be independent and to be stronger/mature and I truly appreciate the people around me even more

I thank God for all the lovely blessings besides the unfortunate luck at the moment

When we are depressed over things which happened in an untimely manner, think of those who are in even worse state than us; those who are constantly depressed over a roof over their heads, food for their stomach and the fates of their surviving family members.

When I think of all these, I pray for them and thank God for the blessings bestowed upon me

Don't you think that we have a lot to thank for?
So, I will not let myself in despair...I must stand up on my own
I must pick up
I must work it all out

In all, I must take everything in a stride and hold my head up!

Thanks for all the encouragement!~

Welcoming new little cousin!

A recent addition to my maternal family is the adorable little cousin who was born to my youngest uncle four months ago.
He is such a joyful baby; who could not stop smiling at everyone and that immediately put him on the top of the popularity list

SO CUTE! who could resist this little baby; with his tiny fingers and toes and who is still wondering why he cannot crawl yet.

He loves to bow down and put his head down to to sniff at the mattress in front of him, which just tickles everyone to laughter

It is a lovely and joyous creation of God; amazing and miraculous at the same time at how helpless a newborn is and yet we grow into thinking and sensible adults; shouldering responsibilities along the way, and yet, when we grow old, we are yet again helpless and dependent before we are sent back to God himself...

It is truly an amazing journey; and how God had drawn our pictures even before we are born

~Live your life to the fullest that when you were born, you were the only one crying and everyone around you is smiling and when you leave the world, you are the one smiling while everyone around you is crying~
I really love this quote

To baby cousin, may you grow up to be a good, smart, responsible and sensible man who will be the future pillar of the nation!
Adorable....

St Anne's with my family

In conjunction with the holy and joyous feast day of Mother St Anne, my family made a short trip up north and joined me in the famous patron saint's church in Bukit Mertajam.
As usual, it was packed and this round, we arrived in the afternoon; compared to our morning or late evenings' trips which is much cooler.

Most of the pilgrims from other states were already leaving; therefore the crowd is not a problem anymore.
Pedlars are also out there, as usual, selling merchandise items, making a fortune for themselves.
It became like a pasar malam environment outside the church's compound, and it was insane as some were selling Hindu merchandise items!
Well, this shows how popular this St Anne's church is among non-Catholics as people of different faith flock to pray to her.


Technically, Catholics do no pray TO St Anne; instead, we pray through her, as with all other saints.

We ask these saints to intercede in our prayers to God, and ask for their help to pray for us.

That is why in our faith, we have so many saints and angels whom we display in the church and the buildings.
They are our patrons; and our intermediaries to God.



I love coming for St Anne's feast; maybe because I love this church?
It just feels so serene and put my mind at ease (never mind the hot sun and the crowds)

Most importantly, I was really happy to meet my family again! This year, even my cousin brother is here in Penang to join us on this pilgrimage:)


Happy St Anne's Feast; may you be blessed with the grace and happiness:)

Sick and Tired

I have complained so much recently on my blogs
They seem to emit so much of negativity

I don't even like it myself

I feel so sick and tired lately

Everything seems to go wrong

I want to resume to my positive voices

It's really depressing when I feel depressed
I don't want to!!

Yet at the same time, circumstances push me to the negative edge
It's just so frustrating

I shall not let myself be controlled by them anymore
I must regain my energy and fight back!

Ergo again?

My hand hurts again; that same annoying sensation which seeped through the nerves and the skin

It's starting to give me that pain...

I think it's due to the hectic schedule I've had this week

I worked too much???

A Place of my own

I need a place of my own...

I really want it....

It's a big sacrifice and commitment I know

But I want it and I am looking...

It will take some time, I know that too....

But it will be perfect and wonderful when that happens

When I have that place where I call my own....*smiles*

Restless and dreams

I was restless again last night....I wonder why
(Maybe it had something to do with the phone call yesterday?)

I thought I put that out of my mind and told myself not to worry/think about it?
Turns out that I can't huh....
I can't control it....it's just the nature of me being a worry-wart I guesss

To top it all off, I even had a bizarre dream

I was confused about the date of my friend's upcoming wedding where I was supposed to one of the bridesmaids and the commentator at the church

I dreamt that I forgot about the date and I was rushing all the way

I was so confused and I think I missed it...

GOSH!!!

That'd never happen, NO, it will NOT

I think I am going bonkers soon....how come there is so many inner thoughts that is bugging my mind that I didn't know?

Which road to take?

As I was seriously considering an option, I am thrown into another dilemma when I was asked to decide

It is something which I foresee will come and yet it came earlier than expected

It is a decision that I must and have to make
I am expected to provide the answer, and yet I can't decide yet

I need to consider everything at the moment

I am once again at a fork; which I need to decide what to do next..

I need to pray for guidance now...

You'll never appreciate

Funny how when things are there
We never know how to appreciate it

But when it is gone, that's when we cry out loud

When we want to leave, we are obstinate
But when you realized that the road in front is not the road you want to use
You are stuck there
Wondering whether you should turn back or should you try a different fork to a different destination

It is always good to be in a familiar environment
It reminds you of home
And most of us are afraid to take risks
Especially when you can't even see what is in front of you
And what it has in store for you

For that reason, we are always stuck in a limbo
Wondering and wondering
Why do we always wonder?

Why did we not learn to appreciate?

But then again, if we never let go, we will never move ahead...
If we always stay with one, we will never know the millions out there

Life is full of questions, isn't it?
Then again, what is life without questions?

My Poem in The Sun!

I have a happy news to share; mainly to myself...not bragging or showing off...but I just felt so happy that I can share this poem with everyone when it was published in the Sun yesterday (Tuesday, 30th of June 2009)

The URL: http://www.sun2surf.com/article.cfm?id=35163

The poem can be found in my main blog

Well, since I am happy and I like the poem myself, I have decided to publish it here again too....

Tribute to MJ


A talented child t’was
Above others his talent soars
Starting from the Jackson Five
it was music for his life

An icon in the music industry
He has inspired thus many
From Moonwalk to anti-gravity
He is indeed a born prodigy!

The King of Pop we hail him
A performer who uses every limb
Belting scores of record-breaking hits
Enticing music lovers to every beat

MTV was his brainchild
where his dances arranged in style
The story of his songs briefly told
in choreography of multi-fold

The most successful entertainer of all time
A record holder through rain and shine
Thriller, Beat It, and Billie Jean
Songs fondly recalled from our TV screens
Remember Heal the World and Earth Song
issues of nature that we sing along
With intention to unite the universe
he tells the world with every verse
For the better or for the worse,
it is a choice made by all of us!

Racial discrimination is of concern
A nation gap widely discerned
Black or white it does not matter
As long as we all get together
Come, every boy and every girl
As we proudly sing We are the World!

What a great loss t’was,
the world marks the date today,
the King of Pop we lost,
but in our heart his legend stays!

I thank the editor of the Sun for publishing my poem; and I am so happy that it touched many as much as it touched mine.

I am not a die-hard fan of MJ; but yet I must say that he and his music has in a way influenced me.
I grew up listening to him; and hearing his departure still invoked some unexplainable emotion within.

It is this feeling which gave me an inspiration as I penned down this poem.

I've always loved poems; and I write my own collection of poems, and of course short stories, novels and articles.
I always view writing as my passion; and something which I value and take pride in.
I do not view it as a commercial path; rather a way to develop myself.
To gain recognition or fame is not the main objective; rather, I seek to share my thoughts and views with the whole world.

I am just so happy that this was published; usually I feel displeased with some of my own poems but this is one of my favorite poems:)
I hope everyone liked it; and MJ, may you rest in peace!

30th of June is a good date...heheh :D

Will I miss you...

If I were to take to my heels and leave you
Will I look back and miss you?

If I were to move forward to a new beginning
Will I look back and wonder whether I made the right decision?

If I were to look back one day to the past
Will I remember you and miss you so much that it hurts?

I doubt it
Somehow I don't think I have a heavy heart this time
I just wanted to let you go just like that
I don't even want to look back and have you in my mind
I want to be free of the memories
Because sometimes, you do make me feel you're a mistake
Perhaps we were never meant to be

I was never meant for you...neither were you for me
Too bad...it was not the same with the first
I have tried and I have no regrets
I can't say that I will miss you
But it is a feat that I have tried...
And it remain as that forever
with no strings attached

Wedding bells and invitation!

A varsity mate is getting married soon; and I received a call from her.

She is asking me for a favor; and a responsibility which she entrusted me with.
Oh my, I could not possibly say no and yet, I am just so touched that she thought of me immediately!

Wow, I can't wait, it will be my first experience and I'd love to do it!

Any guess what am I being asked for? =)

The Road NOT taken

Sometimes, on those quiet and peaceful days when I just enjoy sitting there relaxing, reading and as I stare far away into the space, pondering

These are the times that made me recall the things that I have wanted to do at one time, the chances I have passed, the dreams that I have dreamt, and you know what I mean by now.

That was when I remembered how at one point, I had these two huge ambitions and how I was so focused on my vision towards that direction
I was so intent on achieving that vision that it was all that's on my mind.
I am one determined person; and end up, funnily, I didn't end up doing either.
In fact, I even secretly harbored a really strong dream on one of my strongest interests and passions.

I ended up being something that out of the blue; if you were to ask me ten years ago whether I'd see myself in where I am standing today; I would definitely say, "Hell, NO!"
But that's where I am now, in all the fields that I'd never imagined I would be in those early years.

I had wanted to do things that are really interesting; something that can't be seen from my physical outlook, haha.

Had I persisted and at least had gone for one of my dreams, what would I be today?
I would not have known my current colleagues and friends, that's for sure

I would not have known what I've learnt through my last few years of working in the great multinational corporation
And I'd probably be leading a very very very busy life right now
Rushing down the white halls
Or probably having my nose inside those really thick papers and reference books and preparing my speeches, walking around the office and getting my assistants ready with their research for the presentation

Or spending lots of time in front of the computer, typing away or traveling here and there, to capture things that I'd want to be putting it in words soon for print

Or being a really busy person who just does what she loves

Ahhhh....such great visions and I still have those dreams; especially that particular place that I had always wanted to be in
The three great choices, which I am sure I will make it one day

And then the place that I'd love to see myself serving

The Road not taken is already in the past, but I can still make it to the Road
And not call it not taken anymore

I will still make at least one of the dreams come true
I am very confident that I can...

I shall create my own path to my vision!

When it's dark

I've had these crazy and bugging feeling when it gets dark
I tried to concentrate and focus
I prayed

Was it really my own fear that's scaring myself
God is there with me
I know that
But yet, sometimes, scary thoughts run across the mind

I think the silence is morbidly oppressing..
That's it...
That must be the reason

Now, I shall get back to my book
There is no sound nor wind..

Passion..is something we live for or work for?

I've lived my whole life believing the passion is what that drives us forward
At the same time, it beats me how people around are often talking about passion and yet they are complaining about their job or the things they do daily

It used to get me bewildered but somehow, I guess I find myself probably and slowly sucked into the same reality
My passion?
Can we defeat the reality?

Passion is something I used to live for
And my passion is still alive in me
I do not want it to die

And I must find my way around

My choice would definitely be to live for my passion!

UGH!

I feel bloated lar, I don't know why...

Drank too much water?
I just feel so annoyed, irritated, agitated, infuriated, bla bla...bluek

Besides that, I am being pestered by people around me
Just when I was looking forward to the rainbow after rain

And to top it all off, there is not even a drop of rain today...
Please give me the happiness-bringing rain...

Perhaps that will wipe off those annoyances and put a smile on my face...yeay?

Bittersweet

I've just had the most lovely weekend ever, and I must say that I am starting to miss all my friends.
It was such a wonderful hanging out with them; despite the exhausting day we've all had.

Back to reality, when you are still in dreamland, there seems to be people and things which will just hit you on the head that says, "Knock knock!" and you're just thrown back into the harsh and cold pavement where you realized that your feet is bare and it's just so cold.

You're struggling on your toes to get to where the warm shoes are, only to realize that you need to make an extra mile to walk to the shoes.
When you finally found your shoes, you snuggle comfortably into it, glad for the extra material which made your feet warm and protect it against the bitter cold of the floor.

When you were so happy with yourself for making it to the shoes which you consider as an accomplishment, then you saw another guy thrown into the black hole with you and lo behold! He gets the shoes immediately and even socks and everything that he needs to keep him warm.

It seems unfair, doesn't it?

Some people will always have everything that goes their way and some of us just have to work our way up.
Nevertheless, in this trying times, I am comforted by the presence of loved ones and friends who will always stay true.
Whether near or far, I know they are always there with me and I thank you for this tremendous support I have felt this far.

Life is always a bittersweet experience; we can never expect everything to be sweet
Just like a pot of honey, sometimes it can turn bad too, can't it?

Just like that, bittersweet
And that, in turn, will make us appreciate the sweet times more =)

Rain and Shine

I am at a stage where I am uncertain, confused about some things in my life

Hmmm, but not really pulling my hair out because of it
I just need time to figure things out

They always work out, I know they will...

A rather crazy weather today, rain and shine
And that's what all our lives are, aren't they?

Rain and Shine

A Groovy Kind of Love

I browsed through Facebook and just found out that two of my friends are getting hitched to each other soon, they were taking wedding photo shoots.

I am happy for them, it's been some time and they had a really great relationship. I guess she finally found the Mr Right.
We used to be friends, as in a group of us back then in university and they were not a couple. In fact, she used to go out with someone else and he was, well, just single, a guy who kept saying that he needs to save money.
Then all of a sudden, we hear that they get together and they left their home states for their job in the north where I bumped into them both again and now I hear they're getting married.

Oh my, I am so touched, and I am sure most of our friends share the same sentiments.
They're both older than me, like a year and I guess they have decided to settle down.

This must be like the 'keep-on-coming' kind of news I have been hearing from very own peers and people I know for the past 1-2 years now and I guess everyone has decided it's the age to settle down.
You know, it's just so funny that everyone has just found their someone (that particular right guy/gal) and decide to just, stay put and spend eternity with the love of their lives and while, some of us on the other side of the globe are just so overwhelmed by other things in their life that they lost track of time.

Meeting the right person is a key thing here; sometimes, some of us may not know whether we have found the right person
OR
We may have found the right person but the timing is just not right and before you know it, you have missed the right person
But, another question springs to mind, how could we have miss the right person?

Well, timing plays an important role too

I have always thought that when you meet the right person, you'd always know
Throw in the right timing and the right kind of place, BAM, before you know it, you may be headed for the aisle in a jiff!

Falling in love cannot be planned, you can't just think whether it's right or wrong
You just fall
That's why it's called falling in love
Cupid strikes and you're head over heels

You start to float to the skies and everytime you think of him/her, you just swoon and you just smile dreamily
You will be swept off your feet when you look at him
You will blush when he smiles or look at you in the eyes
You will even feel a skip of your heartbeat when you hear his voice
You will never say no to him
You feel so sweet when you hear from him that you don't even need desserts
You look forward to meeting him so much that you will check your time throughout the day, can't wait for the hour to arrive

You will always feel the time with the person is not enough
You look forward to every single moment you spend with him
When you are with another person, you still wonder how's he doing
You will think of him constantly; he's just right there on your mind
You will think of him the minute the phone rings
You think of him every single waking moment
You just smile when you reminisced all the times with him
You get worried when he's late, or didn't return your call instead of getting impatient or mad
You will think of him, wonder whether he also has you on his mind

You missed him all the time, and one day away from him seems so long
You can't wait to see him
You just can't get him out of your mind
You're upset when he's upset and cries along with him
You're over the moon when's happy
You're angry when someone's made him angry
You just share his emotions and you love to see his smile or when he's happy with something

It's the same with the guy as well
When you're truly in love with someone, you just become all silly and you're willing to go any extent to make her smile

Now, that's love, and what I think it's love
True love, falling in love
How many of us truly experienced that?
A love that is so beautiful and groovy
The type that touches you to the bone

The type that makes you cry and feel so helpless when you're heartbroken or when it ends
The type that makes you think that all this while, you thought it was love until you meet HIM/HER

It's complicated, but yet it's just so special
I don't know how to describe nor define love
I am no expert in love either
Perhaps we are all still in search for love

Perhaps we will not know until we know ourselves
We may think we love someone but turn around, not really
We may think we are in love, but we feel confused and unhappy sometimes
Are we really in love?

Some just go from one love to another
Hopping from one to the next
Are they really in love or just looking for relief or rebound?
Are they just there to prove that they can find someone better?
If you are in love, there is nothing of that sort
All you want to do is find that person out there whom you love
You will not want to hurt him/her
You will forgive him/her for all that past mistakes
You will wish him/her happy

When you are in love and the person you love doesn't love you, you will not hold onto him/her
You will let him go
You cry in your heart alone but you wish for his/her happiness if he/she is in love with someone else
Love is never selfish
Love does not need to be returned
If you truly love, you will find love

The worst kind of love is sitting next to the person you love so much that your heart aches, but yet he/she doesn't know
The worst kind of love is sitting next to the person you love and yet, you can't tell them at all you love them (because of certain circumstances)

Love is not to be expected
Love is not to be reciprocrated all the time
Sometimes we can't force someone to love us just because we love them
We have to be content that love came to us and grew in our hearts
We pray that they too find their own love
If you love someone, you will never plant your tears in their heart
You only let them see your smile and happiness so that they will always smile when they see you

How will we find love?
How will we know love?
How will we recognize love?
How do we love?

Undefined answers; but I know we cannot find love
Love comes when you least expect it
Some of us may not be ready and then it goes away again
But I always believe that if it is meant to be, it's meant to be
Sometimes we regret for missing it, and we hate ourselves for letting it go
But if it's yours, it will always come back
Do not try to know or recognize love
Because we don't have to
When it comes, it recognizes us and itself
And when you know, you will be smiling to yourself

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

Have we all found our true love?
Someday
They must be somewhere out there
And there will be a day when we fall in love....
And that's when you feel your life is complete
When you find that someone who shares the same interest in your music
Who loves reading those books you read or share his thought or two
Who is interested in whatever you are interested in
And you are interested in whatever he's doing
And you will just think that
Your world is perfect

Love completes
Love complements
Love soothes
Love comforts
Love heals
Love makes you happy
Love makes you sad
Love makes you smile
Love makes you cry
Love makes your heart blossom
Love just breaks your heart

Whatever love does,
Love is simple beautiful

And I just know
Someday, somewhere

Love is there
It's everywhere, for our one true love
Out there....one day

Sleepless Night

I couldn't manage to get much of a wink the entire night; now it wasn't because I thought too much, or I don't know, but it was really hot the whole night.

I tried to sleep after cooling myself a little but I woke up through the night.
I finally opened my eyes at 6am; actually I woke up earlier at 5 but I refused to allow myself to wake up since I didn't sleep much.

Anyway, I didn't feel tired until now and am still very much alive, running around getting all my things done.

I just hate it when sleep's not in sync with me
I just hate it when I can't go to sleep

I shall not think
I shall void my memory of thoughts tonight; heaven forbid if I even think of the cars out on the road
I shall block my mind of any possibilities of dreams

Now, how do I do that?
Can someone invent me a "Sleep-Well-No-Dreams-or-Thoughts" machine?
Thank you in advance and I assure that you have my warmest regards

My Interview with the Doctor

After reading all about that drama of me having an internal self-professed battle with the choice of going or not going to the clinic, I finally decided to go after running through the whole list of my company's panel clinics and settled on one clinic near my neighborhood.

I walked into the clinic nervously (I can't believe I have this phobia of clinics and doctors NOW!)
It was a very old-fashioned clinic with those design of a clinic from the 70's; and the dim fluorescent lights and the spinning ceiling fan, you felt like you were transported back to those old times in the 50's-70's where I half expected some old men wearing a singlet matched with a short pant and a pair of Japanese slippers sitting on the wooden bench; holding a fan in one hand and putting his other hand on his hip.
I also imagined that there will be some women walking in; wearing samfoo-type of attire and holding a basket in one hand and a lace handkerchief in another while waving it at her short curly hair and trying amicably to avoid the stares from some of the men sitting there.
Ha...imaginative right?

The reception table was wide open and when you stand there, they even have potted plants around the area.
I waited patiently for the nurse; I would call her more of a clinical assistant to finish ransacking her drawers for patients' files to attend to me.
She seemed to finally notice me and pushing back her glasses, she took my card and requested for my IC; asking me crudely, "Is this your first time here?"
I almost uttered "Yes, mam" but I managed a yes to that question upon which I was asked a string of questions on my current address in Penang and also my cell phone number.

Shortly after, she asked me on my allergy histories; and I told her promptly.
She asked me, "Please spell those"
I almost gawked in surprise; but it's okay, now you know why I called her a clinical assistant instead of a nurse?
I made a mental note to personally remind the doctor later on my allergies again.

Anyway, I noticed that the nurses call for you from the reception or the dispensary counter and tell you to open your own door and walk into the doctor's consultation room.
They were short of assistants I believe but nevertheless, I find it very amusing.

When it was my turn, I walked to the door and hesitated whether I should knock or not and I did manage a small knock before I turned the knob of the door.
I saw a very old-fashioned room and for a moment, I thought I must have walked into the wrong room until I saw the doctor sitting at a small desk tucked away in a corner on my right.
(He should have made a noise or something to acknowledge his own presence there!)

I sat down promptly and told him about my predicaments.
He took my temperature and my blood pressure and then I related to him, on a side note on my right hand's discomfort.

Doctor: Do you work with the computers a lot?
Me: Yes, doctor (hence the discomfort I am feeling)
Doctor: Do you have Internet access at home?
Me: Yes, doctor
Doctor: Okay, go home, log on to Google, type in Ergonomics and read up. There should be about 7 pages long, but read those up and practise those exercises. It will help.
***Haha, this is one cool doctor, for a moment, I thought he was going to tell me not to get hooked onto the Internet too much***

Me: Actually I have started on those exercises, but it was after those pains. So, at what point should I start to worry? The pain is there now, I am not sure how serious it is
Doctor: Just do those exercises, it will relieve the pain. Typically, when things get serious, you may be required to do a small operation which will cut into your wrist to release that pressure there.
Me: But that's not a permanent cure, right?
Doctor: Oh yes, it is. But why would you want to cut into your own hand when you can prevent it by the exercises right? So find time to read and practise it!
Me: (speechless, nods obediently)

Doctor: Do you sleep well?
Me: Not really recently, it seems like my sleep is disrupted of its normal pattern
Doctor: Why can't you sleep?
Me: I don't know, it seems like I could sleep one night and the next night,I can't. Then following the fatigue of the night I couldn't sleep, I could sleep again the next night. It's like every other day I could sleep
Doctor: What time do you sleep?
Me: (pleased at my good bedtime hours) 9.30-10, doctor
Doctor: Why you sleep so early? Try sleeping at 11-11.30, then you can sleep without disruption
Me: (Stunned, for the first time, a doctor tells me to sleep late???!! My mind couldn't process any further) It's been like that since childhood
(Can you imagine how down I felt, shaking my head vigorously mentally)
Doctor: Oh, since childhood, regular sleeping hours ya? So you still get sleep about 5-6 hours, right? What time do you wake up?
Me: 6-7 or 5-6 sometimes; about 7-8 hours
Doctor: (starts calculating in his head) Wow, that's 8-9 hours...that's a lot of sleep
Me: (about to faint) Yes, doctor (smiles meekly)

I couldn't help feeling tickled by this whole conversation and I find this doctor really amusing and kind.
Frankly, I would not withhold any possibility of me going back to visit him in the future...TOUCHWOOD!
I do not want to get sick anymore in the very near future....

But I tell you, when doctors in Penang don't annoy me, they amuse me!
God bless these doctors...hehehe :)