Lost.....but Alive with HOPE

I don't know why, I do have my own worries too....but it doesn't help when people do not have faith in me and believe me in what I am doing.
I want to be self-assurant and the worst thing is when the whole world doesn't believe in you; well, I still believe in myself as I know I will be able to do it and go through the rough times.
Life is not without challenges and tribulations; in fact, we are constantly surrounded by good and bad things everyday...it is just whether we choose to acknowledge them or just ignore them.
The best way is of course to ignore them but then, you are also running away.
Sometimes, life is not all about being routine nor following the scheduled daily pattern; you need to learn through other things in life to be able to grow up and face greater challenges.

I do feel lost and wondering myself; feeling scared too.
I know I have made one big decision which I am telling myself it is not a mistake. (When the whole world doesn't trust you, the very least you can do is to trust yourself; you are the only person left before you make yourself fall apart too).
How do I know it is not a mistake? Because I told myself so...

If you think I am out of my mind, think again because I have recently read that the mind is the biggest tool which shaped our lives. If we think what we want to do often enough, we will eventually be there:)

What disappoints me the most and almost crashed me was the fact that my loved ones pulled away from my picture and dropped droplets of dark ink on my painting. It was definitely devastating and a huge blow to my morality which I am trying so hard to maintain.
I cried buckets but nobody will hear or see me; because I am all alone and it is that kind of feeling when that happens. No one can be trusted anymore...except myself.

God is always my salvation; and I know HE is always there for me, the ever loving father and friend. I pray to him and at the same time, I am glad that I did not lose hope in myself.
I still have something in me although I hope I can stand on that long enough before totally falling apart and give way to the Angel of Death and throw myself into the sinful thought; a serious sin and mortal crime.
It is the easiest way out as proposed by the devil in the head and you do not even have to drown in sorrows or tears anymore.

With the every bit of strength left in me and my faith, I want to slowly work on this myself and I want to thank that only one person besides myself and God, for all the support and encouragement and living faith in me.
I know I will make it through the rain....no matter how hard and torrid the shower may be.....

What hurts the most

When the whole world turns its back on you, that hurts
But what hurts the most is when your only loved ones and those you fully count on for faithful support and moral boost lose their faith and start to doubt in you....
That's what hurts the most...
And it can really, physically and literally tear you apart...

I did it...

I am amazed by my courage and the swift decision I made this time and I am praying that I made no mistake.
Don't ask me what have I done....time will reveal (but it's definitely NO crime:p)

I am crossing my fingers and believe that I am going to meet something new soon...the power of mind....(The Secret)

Confessions of a BOOKaholic:p

This is one book I really want at the moment...hehe...I read the synopsis of it the other time in MPH Mid Valley when I was out shopping with my parents and since we were in a hurry, I didn't have time to buy and Mummy was also telling me that I have had way too many books at home that I can own my own library (which is what I intend to do in the future anyway:p)

Salsa-ing!

Whoa, yesterday I was at the ballroom dance practice and we were discussing on the introductory part of the masters of ceremonies.
We do the video thingy every year and this year, we were thinking of combining the opening dance with the MC intro.
And since the lady MC couldn't make it, I was to act as substitute for their experiment of a quick twirl of the MC and this guy, he just grabbed my hand and pulled and twirled me, and all of a sudden, jah, just pulled me into his arms in that TA-DA style!

Man...I was totally taken by surprise and you know what, he definitely has a strong grip!
That was one Salsa move:D

Driving

It's been 2 years since I actually took that solo driving trip down to KL....and I am about to do it today....wonder whether it will be fun or tiring:p
Anyway, let's just pray for a safe journey and of course, a smooth trip:)
I have my faith in the GREAT LORD who reigns above and sits beside me all the time:)
I know he's always there, watching me and taking care of me:D

Thinking of something?

I just love this pic:)

Looks really natural..and seriously, I didn't know I was being captured at that point!

Double Vision

You know what, I finally fell sick early this week (no, it's not like I was hoping to get sick) but yeah, if you have been reading my latest post on Angel Blog
Anyway, I was really weak and shivering with cold, reminds me of my worst experience when I was hit with dengue but this wasn't half that bad...
I was weak and tired and my head just felt so heavy and there was no strength but I still had to drag myself to the office.
After work, I even had to rush for a dance practice at night...
I was ill and weak on Monday and Tuesday; starting of the flu virus and also fever....so you can guess how good it gets, right?
And guess what, I even started getting blurry visions and seeing double or shadowy outlines...it must be the virus and the fever...off and on...
I was a bit wary of driving especially at night when I need to drive over to the office for my practices...
And on Wed, I really had to make a quick stop outside the premises just to regain some "consciousness"....sighs!~
I drove ever so slowly...thanks to a friend who was following my car from behind, really thanks!
I got home nevertheless....yes, safely and unhurt....

I will recover, no worries :)

Better...I guess not

Hostility...sighs...
I thought it was getting better, but guess it will stay the same....

Two years

I have been really worked out lately; with the tight and crazy schedule and the deadlines everyone is screaming to meet and yeah, literally screaming my head off as well.
It's tough I know but work is bound to be like that; I wouldn't want to lay back and just idle my time away at work; and neither would I want to land myself in something like that.
Crazy as it sounds, I do like being busy and I feel a sense of accomplishment when I complete my tasks on time, etc.
However, I have to admit, the toll the stress is taking on me is not that simple as well; as I have really been stretched to the limit and mentally, it was really heavy load.
I had to skip my normal bedtime and also meal times and really just sit right in front of the screen; doing all the paperwork and also viewing and checking on all the minute details which will contribute a lot to the final product. It didn't help with people running around to my cube and rushing me to complete this and that!

Atop that, I need to commit to the Annual Dinner planning and also practices, meetings, etc.
Push all these work-related matters aside and I am still bogged down by the other stuffs which have been lingering in my mind and also, well, suffice to say, matters of the heart.
It's been sad; remember I have been going through an emotional turmoil over the past year and I thought the new year should have been better (this year) but I guess it was only my surreal imagination.
Moving out from that traumatic experience and place where I have slowly gotten back on my feet and also my efforts of brainwashing myself have finally paid off to move to a new phase in my life to live it out happily surrounded by friends and a more politically-free world where I just want to be myself and do my work; and having fun and stress-free life(apart from deadlines) in whatever I do.

Initially things started out great and I have (or so I thought) found solace and freedom in my bunch of good friends working in the PG campus site; and great, I was really blending in and having so much fun joining in all the fun activities and also playing my part in getting things done. I felt so much appreciated and loved over here; of course at the same time, actually had new interests around and soon, I was content and felt that those troubles should be left behind; cast as a shadow behind me.
It was going on great for the first half of the year and I was really happy; despite the worries and stress on my work,etc.

Recently, I guess the dark clouds loomed near again and I was just thrown back to where I first came; totally out of my own subconsciousness. Why oh why does this have to happen to me?
Am I really meant to be subjected to this for the rest of my life?
All of a sudden, I felt like I was pulled back into the black hole; where everyone is pointing and just glaring at me (okay, that was just an illustrative and literal depiction of the whole picture).
I don't know what happened; there seemed to be a revelation of some sort; or a cat was out of the bag and all of a sudden, people treated me like I was some kind of plague or criminal or something.It was devastating , I tell you:(
I have never felt more depressed and it's really disheartening particularly from people whom you thought you could depend on and your own circle of friends.
I thought they will understand or perhaps, you know, just have that faith to try it out in my shoes. Well, guess it's just part of human nature to be quick and judgemental particularly when it comes to the words of the wind.
I am truly saddened and also, I know there has been changes in the judgements and I am trying so hard to deal with it; like I said, it can be overwhelming for me to put that along with my work issues and trying to work them both out.
I am really tired; it's been one long year of battle and I thought it would end but no, this year again, I am falling into another round of battle again where I am standing here; all by myself and the world just seem to be decisive and affirming their beliefs against me.

If you do not understand whatever I am talking about here, don't, because it's not meant to be understood - i wanted to illustrate everything into poems, but I guess my mind has really been blocked from any form of inspiration for leisure.

I really can't take everything into my own hands; I am already depressed with my work and also the hostility faced in issues but if even my social life is breaking up, this will be a major and drastic blow and I am not sure how much more can I take it anymore.
One year of battle is already taxing on me and I was really amazed at myself; my own strength and willpower in dealing with the whole traumatizing experience but one more year may just pull me apart this time...and I am not sure how long...really, how long can I go on?
There is only so much one person can take; particularly a girl like me....
Sometimes I truly wonder, is there an escape route from all these; when can I truly leave all this behind? Is there a way to end and just leave everything behind?
I know; the D-word is never an option and God has taught me more than that for me to dwell into those thoughts and waste my gift from God but sometimes, it is just the mind's play when it comes to difficult and also troubling situations and then, all those devillish tricks come to mind!:(
I am just praying for more strength and also for the peace of my mind...but honestly, one has only that much a limit....

Two years.....two sad years....

Awake!

Okay, first I get weird dreams which spells my insecurity and now, couldn't sleep for the night???!!:(

I went to bed at my usual bedtime and slept soundly after talking on the phone with Mummy and DearDear.
Then I was awoke by the sounds of the rain pattering hard against my window pane and when I blinked my eyes, I knew it was a stormy night. I tossed over and stared at my clock; which showed 2.30a.m.
Okay...then I tried to get back to sleep and you know what, no matter how I tried, my eyes wouldn't shut and I just couldn't sleep.
After a few rounds to which I realize was already 3.45a.m, I just stirred myself out of bed and decided to just say hi to my laptop...hehe:D
I typed, did my work, edited some pictures and finally it was 5am...hehe, time to get ready:D

But seriously, I really do not know what's wrong, why can't I sleep?
Why is my brain still so active at night???? It's bedtime...sighs....I am definitely gonna have a panda day today...and the worst part is, I need to attend a meeting for the whole of the first half of today!!! AAARRGGGGHHHH!!!

Another dream...interpreted

I dreamt of yet another sad dream....I don't know why; is it true that dreams are actually a reverse or inverted reflection of reality?
I was not unhappy; in fact, far from that, I was pretty happy in the day but come night time and I get these dreams...and it's been for the past 2 nights:(
So sad....

Last night, I dreamt of myself crying and I was looking at my own family...Mummy was there...
But then the weird part was, this time the dream was reversed from the dream the day before.
In this dream, the first phase was actually pretty sad....and as I was saying, I was crying and telling my Mum and family about things....
Then in the 2nd part, things became normal and I see a normal family life...and my everyday life....

How do I interpret this?
I think (disclaimer: this is only my hypothesis, I am no guru in dreams interpretation)...in my opinion, my dreams reflect how I still have those inner fears but despite that, I do know that everything will be fine in the end...it's all a matter of time.
You see, the crying in the dream and the explaning of stuffs means that I am still worried and am unsure on whether I am doing the right thing but I just want to stand up and console myself on the decision I have made. At the same time, the family depicts I am also worried about the impression it may have created on others particularly those close to me and their reactions if they understand the reality of the situation.
As the crying subsides and moving on back to the norm of life in the 2nd phase, it is yet another inner thought that I do know that these things take time and that eventually, the storm will calm down and everything will still go on; life goes on....

Whatever it is, I do want these dreams to end...I want to sleep well:)

Fusion of a dream

I had a weird dream last night....I was pretty happy in the first phase of the dream...

I was dreaming that I am enjoying my blogs...writing and also making lots of friends and widening my circle....I was really very very very happy...elated in fact!
Then onto the 2nd phase of my dream, I dreamt that I was talking to an aunt and cousin whom I used to be kinda close to and all of a sudden, we came to a point of the conversation when we revealed our inner feelings and how we felt towards each other...and that was when I broke down crying and defended myself and telling them this is not true, they have been swerved in their thoughts and etc etc.
It was an emotional exchange in the conversation as we were in a way letting ourselves out and also argument pursues.
I only remembered the SAD feeling...such a major contrast from the hype and excitement from the first dream!

I was thinking about it and trying to interpret my own dream (I do know something about dream interpretation you know!:)
Anyway, what I can imagine is this....I've recently let out a secret and sort of open up myself (confiding in someone and also sharing out my blogs)..both at about the same time which really stirred up a hidden emotion and at the same time, it was a relief for myself.
The blogging part shows my inner self revealed and the laughter and friends show the happiness and return I gained from the revelation.
However, when it comes to the 2nd part, I guess I was still confused and unsure...being the worry wart, I was afraid of the consequences of telling someone about myself and also the people around me.
Perhaps I have been hurt before by this lady in the office whom I keep a distance from until today and I am worried on how she will try to harm me again despite my nonchalant response to her.
I am worried to the core.....

Sighs.....interpreting my own dreams...and it turned out to be a sad one:(

My Dream...

I have always wanted to realize my dream; I have always had this passion for writing and photography and design; some may ask, "Am I in the wrong field?"
Uh-uh....not really, life is about dreams but sometimes life is also a reality....
I am not NOT interested in my current position; and at the same time, working in another field doesn't mean I cannot pursue my own personal interests, right?
I am still doing what I like; and I know that one day, I will be able to realize what I want:)
Thanks for all the support out there; you know who you all are!:)

Sick sick

I have been having fever for the last few days; internally the body feels hot and externally, I feel very cold when exposed to the air.
I had to sleep without the fan on and still chilling myself out....
It was really dreadful..
I was even so freaked out to apply for MC and was wondering whether I should or not:(
I know, sounds crazy but I am not a workaholic lar...I was just feeling bad at taking medical/sick leave...like it's some kind of injustice to boss and company.
I do fall sick frequently sometimes; since school days:(
Anyway, I came to work yesterday and finally, I couldn't bear it any longer when the heat on my forehead got to me and I was seriously having the fever spell again.
After some time of self-debate, I gained the courage to ping my boss and ask him for a half-day leave as I was seriously not feeling good at all, so pitiful.
By right, I have the right to be on sick leave as I do have the doctor's certificate on my absence from work and the doctor did indeed issue the leave until yesterday.
I just felt bad at asking for leave.....
Thank God, today I am feeling much better though some still say I look rather pale...
Well, what can I say after 3-4 days of lying down in bed and having heat all over body?:p

St Anne and BM!

I will be heading off to Bukit Mertajam tomorrow; for the observation of the St Anne's feast:)
I went there with my Mummy and Daddy last year and I missed those times with them:(
Anyway, this year, they couldn't make it and I will be heading up there....
Will be taking pics and posting them on my travel and starry blog soon:)
Stay tune....

The World of Plastic

I just got a call from this particular bank which offered me their cards a couple of months ago...telling me that the application and processing has been successful and that I will be receiving my new card pretty soon.....hmmmm
The World of Plastic...how we have evolved....
Actually started for some time ago; when there's the 555 books which record your debts and functions in a form of an "I O U" style, and today, just one swipe and you suffer at the end of the month....hahaha!
Anyway, let's look at the power that piece of plastic can do to me and my money once it's in my hands;)

COLD!!!

The weather for the last few days have been really wet.....it's been raining through the afternoons, nights, which leaves you with the chill that you sleep through the night.
I am prone to chilling out (yeah, not literally chill out but REALLY chill-ED out:p)
And I am feeling really cold all the time regardless wherever I am.
Yeah...I am already feeling so cold at home; in my little room and I am even sleeping without the fan on these days.....and I still wake up shivering and yet I had to drag myself out of bed to get to that cold water showering on me:(
Wow....I wonder whether there's any policy for employees to request to work in a warmer location in the office?
I am really cold right now; tapping my hands on this keyboard...really glad for the lime-green sweather I have on.....
BUT still, I am really COLD to the core....wish there's a heater here:(

Maxis 3G Online!

I finally managed to go online yesterday!!~
YEAYS!!!
I logged online using my housemate's (Sara) Maxis 3G Broadband modem which she lent me before she went home for the weekend.
I was having difficulties logging in on Friday night and was really stumped.
However, last night was just a breeze but due to the bad weather, I had to log off in a short while.
But anyway, it was at least better than nothing!:D

This was the one I heard of and wanted to apply for at one time but due to the 1-year contract, I was reluctant:(
Anyway, I hope that I will get to go online more often....although I can only hope for the modem loan on weekends (mornings) since the other 2 housemates will be using it more often:(
Sighs....hope I can get my own Internet access soon too....a permanent location

About Myself

I have suddenly decided to start a series of stuffs to talk about myself....
Perhaps to just enhance that knowledge of Angelstar/DPCS....
It is like, I do know lots of people know who I am and my stuffs pretty well (yeah, sometimes I am transparent like a plastic sheet and also readable) but there are also hidden beneath the cover stuffs that people may not know.
For instance, everyone knows my favourite color is pink (judging from the colors I have on my blogs) and I truly love reading and writing (from the number of blogs and the books I have quoted) and I enjoy movies and dramas (which girl doesn't anyway)...but to the depth of how many books have I read before and which is my favourite author or how many books do I have, I don't think I have sort of told anyone about it before.
Therefore, I have decided to start a series of tags and to do my homework to post on myself (NOT to every little single detail though) but all those funny and tacky stuffs to spice up this pink blog of mine....
Stay tune:)

Zine for Eve

After the recent craze on my latest article zine, I have again been hit by the blogging bug and again, I have started up a new zine which will now cover all about the girly world.
Yes, it's not such a girly thing though as I am working on the emphasis on the gender which have so long been known as the weaker or better termed as the fairer sex.
I will be compiling all the interesting articles about Eve and publish them on a regular basis:)
Stay tune...

Home alone

Initially, I wanted to go home for the weekend but then, I didn't and so I watched with sorrow as I saw Sara (my Singaporean housemate) packed her bags and left the house on Friday night.
I was worried that night to stay alone at home.
Did I mention that recently there was a new neighbour who have now occupied the condo unit opposite mine?
(My wing has 4 units and only one was occupied then until this new batch of occupants moved in).
Okay, the thing that I was obviously uncomfortable with was this was a bunch of guys (Malay/Indian) in the middle age.
They could even be foreign labour for all I know.
I do not mean any form of discrimination; but seriously, the sight of these people really freak me out.
I sort of thought they were the renovators or labourers who will be renovating the condo unit; until I noticed that they have been wearing those T-shirts with Queensbay Mall logos which indicates that they are not renovators and they are the actual occupants of the unit!!!
Oh....horrifying!!!
I was so freaked out when I realized that; the condo was probably an accommodation arranged by their employers.
YIKES!!
Discrimination or not, I really am scared about them as neighbours; particularly when my housemates are often out on weekends; or the other at her boyfriend's place.
C'mon, you can't blame me for the freak, they are a bunch of guys and we know their track record..won't say much before I am being held for major discrimination issue.
I was relieved that Li Lian and her bf (BK) came home during the weekends; though they were in late and I was already sleeping.

However, on Monday morning, I woke up with horror to realize that they weren't back :(
Anyway, last night they were back....and tonight, Sara's back from Singapore after the long weekend break.
Sometimes, I dread weekends as I think of whether I will be home alone and you're gonna laugh at this but even a tiny squeak freaks me out sometimes:(
And you know staying apartment units where there are multiple residences atop and below your unit, you can hear all sorts of noises (particularly with the quality of the construction these days)...and that's when my imagination starts to run wild again...
Sighs.....

Desperate Disney Housewives?

To take leave or not to take

This coming Monday is the Penang Governor's Birthday....
By default, it is a public holiday...for all the folks staying on the Penang island.
I am staying on the island and by right, my company should be giving me the day off as well; but since we have 2 sites in Penang and also Kulim and my headcount happens to unfortunately falls in the Kulim pool, we do not get that privilege to enjoy the public holiday to celebrate the Governor's birthday.
Now, I am thinking of taking leave to go back to KL and visit my uncle and also of course, my beloved and dearest Mummy, Daddy and bro.
I am not sure what I should do now; should I tell my boss?
Should I take leave or not? Hmmmm.....

Writer's writing

Whoa...yesterday I had such a pleasant surprise when I checked my Hotmail account....
There was this email which really lit me up....though I had to work on the assignment....
I can't tell you what it is yet; perhaps I will talk about it once I am ready...hehe...
But ohhh....it was really too exciting for words, and I am really happy with the opportunity:D
Though, I don't think I did that perfectly well in the assignment....hmmmmm:S
Hope I get to hear some comments or even a response....wonder how I did?

Do pray for me:)

Dirty Car Car

I walked to my car yesterday after work and I stopped in shock when I saw my car car, whoa....it looks too dirty for words.....
There's so much dirt and dust on the bonnet and also the front of the car.....
*Embarassed*
Furthermore my car is the first in the parking lot space.....how many people have walked by and noticed this dirty car and shook their heads at the messy owner of the car?
Owwww.....I really couldn't bring myself to think of it...
I hurriedly got into my car, stuck the key into the ignition and drove off......
Then thankfully, I had DearDear to help me to send it off to carwash as I wasn't feeling too good....and my swollen eye hurts.....
Sighs....
And now, Baby Car is back, squeaky clean...yahooo!!!
She must have enjoyed her bath:)
I must remember to bathe her more often from now on:)

Eye still swollen

This morning, I drove to work in a cloudy weather....seems like it's gonna rain....
And today's Friday the 13th....

As for my swollen left eye?
No change...
My left eye still appear swollen today....sighss.....
It's painful and it really hurts....
Funny thing, I have never really had this kind of problem....
I will really need to go and consult a doctor later......
Poor poor me......

A special someone...

I have just read my bestie's blog in which she congratulated and wished another of our gal pal, Jes aka HotChick who have found her other half....and apparently, she has confided in bestie that she really loved the guy. I am really happy for Jes babe too...and I sincerely wish her well in her relationship.
Then back up north here, Ken has also told me about his discovery of one of my girl friends here in the company who recently also found her match and embarked on a relationship about a couple of weeks ago....
I am surprised but nevertheless, happy for her as well.

Everyone's bound to have a special someone in their life and I have known of countless people who have had met theirs; some may not be the Mr/Ms Right yet but they eventually found the right one and ended up in a blissful matrimony.

As for me and bestie, we often felt that we will not settle simply for the sake of settling down and really want it to happen naturally and also with the right choice; someone whom we felt was worthy of. It's not that we never had any offers or advances from the opposite gender but we didn't want to rush into anything.

As for me, I have always dreamt of a unique relationship....something that would happen out of a love story....you know, with some excitement and probably trials and tribulations?
I would never expect that sometimes you really do get what you wish for and mine turned out more than a whirlwind romance; in fact, it's like a tornado....and it came unexpected.
Guess it's true when you are looking for love, you will never find it, but when you least expect it, it just comes and sweep you off your feet.
Recently I had a short conversation with a good friend at work; who happened to know that I am in a relationship; perhaps yea, this is my own revelation, I am attached, in a relationship at the moment...
Seems like a weird term to use today....boyfriend and girlfriend relationship.

It was a spur of a thing although not entirely spun out of nowhere....
We were close friends back then; and there were lots of complications but that time, due to our relationship at that time was not noticeable. In fact, perhaps the presence of another close friend who hung out with us most of the time played an important part.
But the thing is, somehow everything turned around and I was also surprised by my own inability and ignorance or you can call me just plain naive that I wasn't even aware that someone was actually interested in pursuit.
Haha....that's funny.....but I must admit, I was truly in clouds of doubt that time and was even hesitant in responding to his advances after his confession.
I was taken unprepared as I have never even given it so much a thought and given our situation at that time, it was really a difficult decision.
Furthermore, this has spun more and more difficulties and other various issues which we have gone through together. Though there were difficulties, we eventually gave it a try and I must say I am not sure whether I made the right decision.

However, like they used to say, you don't live for other people, why care about the perspectives?
Everyone is often blinded by the fact when they are worried about how people will see or think of them and also at the same time, whether they will affect others which in turn spun the misery to be born by themselves. At the same time, there is a realization that we can never satisfy everyone - as depicted in the Man, son and donkey story.
I have never done anything wrong to cause any tragedy or wrongdoing on anyone or put them in a risky and disadvantageous situation, I can really vouch on that....perhaps there were really misunderstandings here and there....but it was never my intention to spur that and then cause any discomfort.

Anyhow, the revelation may be shocking but to me, I have come to deal with it and perhaps, I have found it to be happiness...looks, charm, wealth, etc....to me, I am no judge....furthermore, I am no belle nor beauty myself:D

But my point here is, be yourself.....when you find that special someone, you will know...you don't ever have to look....it will come to look for you...
That's why it's called falling in love.......
As for falling OUT of love, well, that's an entirely different story....

Swollen eye

Thursday morning..today's weather is clear....and perhaps a stint of haze in the air.
I woke up with a swollen left eye and it hurts....I felt a little dazy and weak but I just pulled myself together to get to work.
I was warned that the eye is a sensitive area and that I should seek medical attention or medication to avoid any issue.....
Somehow I am a little reluctant to...I don't know why, I have been pretty reluctant since all those unlucky encounters with the doctors here in this little island.

I also received an email from my ex-mentor, still remember Marita? (Yeah well, she's back in the company; she's got a job in the US)
And we have been exchanging stories about our lives and I mulled up the courage and pace to confide in her the happenings over the year.
However, I did held back some information which I believe may be transmitted over a protected network....but it was great to hear that she's back.

My eye is really hurting me and I only hope it's not contagious....

Backstabbing are the most despicable behavior on earth; it's lowly and cowardly...and only wimps do it.
I can't believe that some people whom I thought and believed ( I could vouch for) were nice and kind-hearted people could do something like that!!
Do you know how much that hurts?
I have officially lost my heart towards this group of people...a group which I once was close to...but after that horrifying incident instigated by 2 selfish souls who couldn't bring themselves to maturity, I have been unhappy and so stressed by the situation as they have brought themselves to influence the entire group of people to be on their sides and show their support.

Now, with the total distrust and also my loss of confidence in them, I have officially shunned the group and myself..it was really a major heartbreak.
But don't worry about me, Angelstar is always strong and will stand on her own feet.
I will not be bothered simply by irrelevant things like these little things.
I have learnt that everything is a choice, when things happen, I can choose to look at the bright side of it or the bad side of it....and the most important thing is, I must be happy :)
So now, i will just do my work and be myself, I don't have to go around pleasing others anymore...
I will just put this behind me and pursue my own happiness:)

Working with passion

Are you enjoying what you are doing?
Have you ever seen what will be your future?
How you will be like?
Do you think this will be your destiny until the end of your days?
Do you want to be doing this for a long time?
Are you happy?
What do you see yourself in 5 years' time?
Are you achieving your ambitions?
Is this your ambition during childhood?
How far have you diverted from your original ambition?
Is this the perfect picture you saw of yourself when you were back in school or 5 years ago?
Are you looking forward to go to work each day?
Are you happy with everyone and everything at work?
Is everyone helpful and friendly?
Do you feel at home when you are at work?

Ask yourself the above questions and decide whether this is what you want to do....
Think about it...
If this is not it, you will have to make a choice...and a decision....
Have you made yours?
I will make my choice, I will take charge of my own life...I will pave and draw my own path in life:)

Dilemma

I just had a 1:1 meeting with my boss (small boss)....
I am upset....
I am really in a dilemma....
I don't know what to do....
I want to go home to visit uncle....I want to be there for him to support him all the way through...
I want to be with him before the operation, when he is admitted, during the operation (standing outside the theatre) and after the operation....
BUT...I have 2 major presentations next week; one on Monday to my boss and also my entire team, then on Tuesday at 7am in the morning, I need to present a training to my US boss and other teammates....then on Wednesday, I have to attend a training....

Tell me, what should I do??
If you think these are merely excuses and can be delayed, I don't think so...because, I have already pushed off a couple of these presentations previously due to trip, late notice, etc...
And I cannot delay anymore....I am really stuck here....
Can someone help me out?
I am suffocating...
I am so unhappy....but I will continue to pray for my dear uncle....
God bless him....I will try to be back asap to see you:)

Hmmmm...

Someone asked me a very unique question yesterday...
Do you like your job?
Hmmmm....good question....
Like or not, like or not...
Actually even I myself do not know...:p

Korea and Japan Trip

I came back from my business trip to both countries for more than a week already and have been busy updating my travel blog with my stories and pictures:)
It has been a great experience despite the hectic schedule and the limited time we have in each place.....(We were checking in and out of different hotels almost every day!!)

However, I can't complain much as this is, after all, a business trip ....not a personal vacation for us to take our own sweet time to travel here and there at our own pace; although some of my colleagues did extend a couple of days to tour the city on their own.
Initially I wanted to do the same but then thought better of it; as I was unfamiliar with the place and there's my laptop (company's property) to care for and budget hotels usually pose a safety concern.
Hence, I decided that I will skip this round and plan for my own trip or go on a tour next time:)

Anyway, here were some pics I have from the trip:
Myself; on the airport Limousine from Incheon International Airport (arrival)
Haven't sleep for the night; just a few hours...so tired:(


This is a palace-like structure in the heart of the Seoul city; with posing palace guards:) Maybe this is the entrance to the Seoul City in the olden days; you know those gates (like what we see in HK ancient dramas as well:)


Me and my colleague (from the same team), Jesline
Very smart gal; holds a PhD:)


My other working colleagues/counterparts...
Soo Fung (the one who invited me for this trip), Hooi Li(her assistant in this project) and Arthur all the way from US:) (Arthur was actually a Taiwanese who migrated to US:)


Arthur and me...on our last night in Seoul City:)


Jesline and Hooi Li


Jesline and me; in Nagano's Zenkoji Temple (Japan)


Myself...on the way to Zenkoji Temple


On the streets


Myself at various spots of Zenkoji Temple in Nagano




Jesline, Me and Faeqah in Ueno Park, Tokyo


Jesline and me, digging into our dinner on our last night in Nagano (Doma Doma Bistro)


Me and Faeqah in Tsekiji Fish MArket (Tokyo) - the day that I was flying home (before I left for the airport), this was at 5a.m.


Jesline, me and Faeqah....that 'just-wake-up' look...


Nice trip...really enjoyed myself; a good breakaway from work!

My writing passion

I have to say, my passion for writing has heightened again...I am really writing a lot these days..
Hehe....those who have known me long enough will know my devotion to reading and writing but even they will call me insane for the continuous writings I do and the endless list of blogs I have...
I have a dream of owning my own publication and a zine; something like a magazine format thingy but on the web; it is popularly known as an e-zine or a webzine...
It is really a dream of mine to be able to write and write and also to learn more from other more profound writers in the same industry.
So, I called my newly built "zine" the moonlight zine (sort of something I do during my leisure time) and the title of the zine was actually Whispers of the Heart; mainly because I am going to write from my mind; pen my thoughts - what I see, what I think and how I feel on various issues ranging from social to sports, domestic to international affairs, how about that? :)

In a way, it is like a composition and essays archive for myself; that's why I am starting out small...to write on articles on a blog like template before launching my own website.
To date, I have thought of topics like the haze and also health issues......will be updating more frequently based on more findings...
I just love doing my factual writings; documentary articles; something which I used to be associated as good at :D

Hope you can give me comments and share your point of views with me as well:)
http://moonlightzine.blogsome.com

Uncle's Operation!

I received a text message from Uncle last night (he sent it about 11pm and me, the sleeping baby has gone to dreamland).
So, I only saw his message early this morning when I woke up at about 5am to get to work (I always wake up at this hour).
It was from Uncle, informing us that his operation has been scheduled early next week; to be exact; Monday (9th of July).
He will be admitted to the hospital on Sunday...

It is great news to hear that his operation can make it to an earlier schedule; initially the date they gave him was 3rd of August; early next month.
Uncle wanted an earlier date to get this done and over with and therefore, he went back to negotiate and discuss with his doctor.
Yipppee.....happpy that Uncle can recover very very very soon!
God bless you, Uncle!~

Dissection of Princess Car

I almost forgot about her birthday yesterday if it wasn't for a minor little defect yesterday which I found and yes, it landed my princess car in the Hyundai Car Centre; to be inspected.

I had to come back to Penang site to attend face-to-face meeting with some of my counterparts and when I got into my car, revved up the engine, I heard a weird sound with my car's locking system.
And then when I parked the car nicely and got down, naturally clicking on the lock, to my surprise, it didn't lock!!~:o
(I always have this habit to check my car doors and the floor after locking the car)
I had to rush to attend a meeting and left a little earlier to send it to the workshop.

On the way, I was thinking about my car and I suddenly realized that the road tax on my windscreen has expired!!!
I had it done last week; but I haven't stuck it on the car yet and I was freaked out that I drove to Kulim yesterday with a road tax which has expired by one day!!
I had to make a quick stop at home which, fortunately was a short distance from my workplace to change and stick the renewed road tax on the screen.
Then it struck me that it was my Car's birthday!!!
Hahaha.,....and it needs to go into the workshop for its celebration!

They dissected the car; okay; just the car door on the driver side; I watched as they unscrew the door panel and then removed a laminated plastic cover and took out the lock.
Then they proceeded to fix it; mix and match, test the locking, etc.
I thought it'd take a short while (coz I had a similar sort of problem with the automatic locking last year and they only took 5 minutes to get it done)

However, it seems that this time, the problem was actually the local locking system instead of the central lock and they couldn't connect to the spare part they have; which required them to go and get a new one.
It took them more than an hour.....
And once they connected it; the thing fused and died again...and they fixed it again.

Another part which tickled me funny was this; I saw a Chevrolet in the same workshop and it only took 1 mechanic to work on it.
My car initially had 1; then 2; then 3 and now 4 mechanics!!

Haha....but they got it fixed nevertheless and I drove my car home; of course, after paying them RM45 for the actuator they installed and also RM15 for their labour cost (3-4 people!)
A bit pricey....

Princess car's birthday present?
She was sick somemore....sighs.....
But now, all seems fine...:)

Sorry I can't celebrate her birthday like last year, coz there's haze and I have staying indoors for the past few days....will replace it for you yea :D

Princess Car's 2nd Birthday!!

It's Happy Birthday to my beloved Car again!!
Can't believe it's another year since I came to Penang and also this car has been mine:D
It's really been two years since I am the proud owner of my baby Atos Prima....the silver pride of mine:)
It was really a joy to see its appearance in Seoul the other day, the country of its origin and it made me feel proud...

HAPPY Birthday Car Car.....
Thank you for being there as my shield and armour during rain and shine....
I love you very much! :)

Prayer for Ah Pek

My beloved and dearest Uncle; whom I fondly call as Ah Pek has recently been diagnosed with a mild disorder but nevertheless, the news about it has left me in shock and constant worry over the past few days and I couldn't help thinking about how much I want to be right there with him and give him a hug and tell him that this little niece of his love him very much...

My Ah Pek; is the elder and ONLY brother of my Daddy and he simply dotes on me since I was very young. Probably due to the fact I was the first grandchild in the family back then, I received lots of attention from the whole family; grandparents and my beloved Ah Pek.
My Uncle just adores me and could never turn me down wherever I want to follow him; he used to buy me toys and drives me out in his Toyota car.
In short, I was just the apple of his eye.
As I grew up, Uncle could never hide his pleasure whenever he sees me and due to my academic record, I have always been his subject of conversations with his colleagues and relatives....
"She's a smart girl, look at the A's she's got...."

Then when I got into university, Ah Pek was so enthusiastic that he drove all the way with us to see my entry and even treated me to a big meal...
When I finally graduated, he was the happiest of all, bringing his little newly bought digital camera to snap memories of me graduating and entering into the world; having to admit that his little "naughty girl" (as he fondly calls me due to my princess like ways as a little girl and the whole family giving in to me:)
Uncle was truly there for every major moments in my life, in a way, he's like my second Dad...a father who will never give up on me and who will always be proud of me:)
In fact, he even volunteered to be my Godfather during my Confirmation at the age of 16....
Words can't describe how much all these mean to me....and though he may not know it, I have never forgotten a single thing he has done for me....

Last Sunday, I was alerted by a shocking revelation.....
Phone rings*
Hi!
Hi sis....it's me
Oh...hey bro, what's up?
*Whispers at the back...."Do you guys want me to tell her or should Daddy tell her?"
Huh? (What's up?)


Sis, just want to inform you something....
Yeah, what's up?
It's about Uncle...we just talked to him earlier....
And..?
Well, he's having some problems with his vision and he has gone for medical check-up
It seems that there's a growth near the corner of his eye
:O
Doctor referred him to a specialist and they advised a surgery to remove it...
It's a benign tumor; not cancerous...
Ohhhh...
But still, to avoid any issues, they are advising for removal...
Ohhhhh....is he okay now?
He's doing fine...just waiting for his appointment to see the doctor and see what he says tomorrow
Okay...I will call him then
Sure....
Are you okay?
Yeah, I am fine...I will talk to Uncle...

I know this is not a major operation, but I just couldn't help worrying...
I have always been a worry wart....
I know he will be fine, I just pray that the Good Lord will be with him all the way...
and also me.....:)

Fresh air for my car car!!

I went shopping at Gurney Plaza the other day and browsed through the car section when I saw this Ambi pur car refreshener which was there, displayed as a new item.
There was an arrow attached to it and it said, "Sniff here for the smell"
And I liked it!!!


I always loved lavender scent.....and it's one of my favourite flowers/plants as well:)
I didn't manage to get it that time as I was still thinking and also, I was rushing to get a present for someone's birthday.
I want this!!
Lavender spa for Car car.....rhymes:)

Time for a spa indulgence for my beloved car car:)

Cannot go home ar....

I can't go home this weekend; so sad and I miss home (Mummy, Daddy and bro) soooooooooooooooooo much!!!~

I Must, I must, find a time frame when I can go back soon!!!!

Allergies

I am not sure what is wrong recently; I am getting red!!
And I don't mean it just literally; my face looks red and there's reddish spots....not really pimplish or portruding; but just, the surface of the face is uneven and not smooth and it's really bugging me !!!

Is it due to stress?
I don't know...
It could also be due to the weather?
My living environment?
Bedsheet? Pillow?
Food (assuming I eat lots of weird stuffs?)
I don't know, I don't know...I DON't KNOW!!!

Anyway, will change my bedsheet again (change it weekly) and see if it's okay.
Hope all is good soon after....

Write-up for event!

Yeay...I get to do the write-up on the charity carnival event organized by my department to be published in the company's website....
I am so happy to be given the opportunity....
However, I am a little worried that my writing skills may have gone rusty...and give me disappointing results......(am I being a worry wart again?)
Sighs....really confused being; don't know whether I should be happy or sad...haha :)

Whiff of travel

*Sniff sniff*
There is a sense of distance and jet plane I can see
Far away from your home you will be
Yet again another travel opportunity
For you my young lady
And it is a reality

My crystal ball can tell
All I can see very well
But you are definitely thinking
Whether this is indeed the right thing

Go, Think no more
Just spread your wings and soar
Chances come and go
Just take it and don't say no

May this be a timely break
To clear your mind
Whatever decisions you may make
Do not ever look behind.....

Thank you my crystal ball
For telling this all
A story of a pathetic girl
Who is about to face the big big world :)

Prep for Charity Carnival

Last Friday, after lunch with Nick, I went back to the office and got my hands down to work.....
Hehe... went down to the cafeteria and pushed and rearranged all those tables and chairs for the big event tomorrow.
**Funny thing, I was in skirt and also on heels....haha....worse than Maria who was actually pregnant!:p
Anyway, Maria was one of our committee member who was too helpful...she's only 1 month plus pregnant and she attempted to push all the tables and chairs until all of us yelled "No" and relocated her to help out with the decoration stuffs...phew....

We took some pics of the layout of the cafeteria before we moved them so that we can restore them back to their original location.



I went upstairs soon after to complete some of those design work....posters, flyers, etc for promotion during the event.
Then went home for a quick shower and drove back to the company grounds during dinner time.
Our dinner was provided; this was what I had.....
Fish & Chips...haha, special order for me (the others had Fish Gordon Bleu with cheese and ham......)

And a small carton of Peel Fresh Orange flavour...my favourite!

I left at 10.30p.m....too tired already....had to go home for my beauty sleep (way past my bedtime...)

Medical Check Up in GMC

After much persuasion from both Daddy and also him, I finally decided to go for a full general medical check up...just a health screening:)
Chose Gleneagles; the place where I was born and went there last Wednesday....applied leave for the day. (I originally chose Friday but since we were having this carnival on Saturday, we were required to be in the cafeteria on Friday afternoon to arrange the stuffs for the big event).
So I switched my appointment to Wed.....
I fasted from the night before for the blood test and also urine test (required).
Reached there at 8.30a.m.; and registered myself at the Health center....
So classy huh.....comfortable and conducive:)

I headed this way to the back; on the left far behind was the restroom...

Took less than an hour for the blood sample, urine sample and also the visual acuity and BMI test:)
Then went over to radiology for X-Ray, ECG....
Came back and I waited for the last test...they arranged for a doctor's appointment at 2.30p.m...
So, I waited for my final test (the EEG) and look at me....:p

Hmmm...what are you looking at?

I was served a complimentary snack...took water (they offered coffee, tea, milo...neither interests me:p)

The bun...smells nice and very fresh though...I saw the nurse bringing it in earlier....bought them from the bakery...
too bad I don't quite like breads:p (Mummy would help me to finish this if she was here...hehe:)

More of me....haha, cam-whoring:p

I went home for lunch and came back for my medical report in the afternoon and as scheduled, to meet my doctor:)
Waited until 3.30p.m.....one hour deviation from my original appointment!!! Arrrrgghhhh...coz Doctor was on his ward tours....(forgivable:)
One thing though, the air-cond is freaking cold.....yikes, i don't wanna mention or compare to morgues...(Rule #1: when you're in a hospital, don't talk or think about freaky stuffs:p)
Anyway, I waited here for a while for my doc to see me.

This dad had been waiting along with his daughter for some time too...poor them:P

My doctor was a gastroentologist; a highly impatient man...kind of pity his two clinical assistants who experienced his sharp side of the tongue everyday....
Anyway, he made me go do one more test; he resent my blood sample for one more test and I had to wait until 5.30p.m!!!
Aiks...then he prescribed some med for me and that costed me more money when the GHS procedure only incurs additional charge of RM20 for specialist consultation.
BUT...because of his additional prescription, he can charge extra at his dispense!!!
Outrageous....aiks!!
But anyway, not much complaints...you'd have to expect that when you opt for private medical care....and also, you get what you paid for...it was after all, a pleasant experience in a hospitable and friendly environment:)

My new haircut

Since I trimmed my hair like....a month plus ago, I haven't shown you how I looked like...hehe...
So here goes.....
How do I look?

This pic was taken immediately after the trim, wash and blow....fresh out of the salon:)

Also, and this is a comparison with my previous style...long hair..

So, what's the verdict, long hair or short hair for me? :D

A decision made...

Recently I made a decision...something that must be made...don't ask me what...
I have been swarmed by stuffs happening around me; not just work alone...in fact, everything revolving my life, etc has been bothering my mind.
I guess mummy's right; I am going through the burnout phase...I feel so tired and exhausted.
I practically go home so tired that I could barely stand and just want to flop myself onto the bed.
I was so drained out of energy these days...it's so sad.

And..the decision I have made; it's really not easy and I am doing all I can to keep that at bay.
It was a little wrenching to do something at that length but I do not want future problems; I have been through that and that's enough.
It's really devastating and it has not been a great year anyway for me as well...last year was a really depressing year.
This year; hopefully will be a better one.
I have my plans.... I have made up my mind on one (though still sad whenever I look back) and sometimes I feel like breaking down one day.
I have to go on, I have to be strong.
I am a big girl now; need to go through every up and down with courage and a bold heart....nothing is going to change that....
I will be missing those memories...but that's that.

As for the second decision, it was actually more major....it's about 80-90% firm as of now...and I will be making up and sealing the decision hopefully soon....
It is also another tough and major life decision which I do have to make at this age or foresake and regret in the future.
It hasn't been easy for me either...and I am really sorry how things turned out to be this way.
But life's just like that, there's no everlasting happiness (actually my optimism always thought me otherwise...happiness is in our hands). In this case, I am referring that life is never all beautiful, you need to prepare for the ugly side of the days as well.
And for me, I have reached the fork of the road which I need to pick the road to go on...tread on....I need to do something firm...
Okay...enough of my long-winded blabbering....let's just leave it at that

**It may be incomprehensible whatever that's in this post; ignore it, coz it's more of my inner voice**

Happy Mama Day!

This year I didn't go back to celebrate Mother's Day....I feel bad and I am not going to come up with anything...not going to be an excusaholic:p
Anyway, I really missed my mummy a lot; my friend who was there for me....I felt compelled with emotion to write her a poem

You were there when I was born

A whole nine months foregone
You could give up but you held on

For me your little one

It was a grey tomorrow

But you were filled with hope

To nurture and to mold your children

for the future generation

You were there when I was helpless

You were there when I was sad

You were there when I needed someone

in times so bad

You saw me through and through

through the good and bad

You never once gave up

You never once grumble

You never even cease your prayer

for the future of your heir

Sorry for the times I made you sad

Sorry when it hurt so much

Sorry I have been so bad

Sorry when I couldn't judge

Sorry for the times you worry

Sorry sorry sorry

All the words cannot describe

How much you mean to me

I will always love you mummy

forever and ever it shall be

You are the one that I really want

The one and only one

A precious gem only at my bay

And to end this I have to say

~Mummy, Happy Mother's Day! ~

Tummy Discomfort

There I go again...having major tummy discomfort and getting this annoying pain after each meal:(
I even felt nauseous...suspected case of food poisoning...yikes!
Went home on Monday in the morning and also took the day off yesterday; finally went to the clinic to check up on what's wrong.
Well, I went to Koe's clinic as usual...the conventional medical hall-like clinic which makes you feel giddy when you walk into those historic memorials:p (LOL!)
And the doctor gave me such a long lecture and a weird look; as if it's my fault for having this discomfort.
He even said I may be under stress; asked about my occupation, etc.
I asked for referral letter to go for a thorough check up with a gastroentrologist and he gave me insights (rather cynical admittedly) on putting myself through such check ups at such a young age.
Anyway, I guess I really need to chill out...stressed out:(

Beauty Spa

My first hand opportunity and big hole in bank account for a beauty spa treatment last weekend.
Had wanted to try it out for some time but was rather reluctant.
Last week, finally had the guts to try it out; risking some pocket money as well:p
Most of my girl friends in KL have already made their way to facials long long time ago...

So, I went to this Leonard Drake place in Gurney...which I have done some research on prior to the visit.

And really, I am impressed by their service....wow, really nice and luxurious treatment:p
However, the price was indeed expensive...I heard it is one of the most expensive ones!!
Anyway, they did a skin analysis before doing the treatment and they guaranteed that it will make a difference in the way I look after.
I met this lady whom I talked to the last time I was there; her name was Lily and she provided lots of information about facial treatment. Such a coincidence that she was assigned as my facial therapist for that day and we had a nice long chat.
It was such a soothing therapy/treatment session....with aromatherapy, facial cleansing, exfoliating, and hydrating with the moisturisers, and facial oil.
Then of course, there's that extraction process....eeeeehhhh....scared of the painful process, so they didn't force me to continue.
And..then, there's the masque for the face to maintain the hydration level.

And I was practically done :)
Then they even offered the quick touch up on the face; basically just some foundation on the face and then I made my way to pay.
Of course, before that, they tried to sell me their products.
I was impressed by their products because it has always been gentle for sensitive skin like mine and it felt good :D

However, it was too pricey....I may consider getting it the next time when I am richer...haha....
Conclusion, I really enjoyed and managed to relax during the therapy session....though it was pricey but I think it's worth it because these people are really professional and treated us real good.
Sometimes, it really feels good to pamper ourselves, huh?
**Dreams**

Netball pics!!

I just got hold of the pics; yeay...coz I am the department's communications mail owner mar:)
So, enjoy the following pics:)

After one round of practice,a quick rest before the game.
SO HOT!!!! (Exhausting and puffed out already)


Hello!! Tambun Team...pretty gals ler? Hehehe....

Seriously pose :) Sure WIN!!!

In Action....great focus, caught in the act:p

Shoot that goal!!!

Even my rival's butt captured here:p




This was a rival team; really rough....my whole team (every one of us) was injured while playing with them!
Arrrggghhhhh...we lost badly to them too:(


Tambun Boys and Gals:) (Actually all netball gals; only 2 guys:p)


My Jee Mui's...offering their support....BUT for their teams only...sighs!:p