Rain and Shine

I am at a stage where I am uncertain, confused about some things in my life

Hmmm, but not really pulling my hair out because of it
I just need time to figure things out

They always work out, I know they will...

A rather crazy weather today, rain and shine
And that's what all our lives are, aren't they?

Rain and Shine

A Groovy Kind of Love

I browsed through Facebook and just found out that two of my friends are getting hitched to each other soon, they were taking wedding photo shoots.

I am happy for them, it's been some time and they had a really great relationship. I guess she finally found the Mr Right.
We used to be friends, as in a group of us back then in university and they were not a couple. In fact, she used to go out with someone else and he was, well, just single, a guy who kept saying that he needs to save money.
Then all of a sudden, we hear that they get together and they left their home states for their job in the north where I bumped into them both again and now I hear they're getting married.

Oh my, I am so touched, and I am sure most of our friends share the same sentiments.
They're both older than me, like a year and I guess they have decided to settle down.

This must be like the 'keep-on-coming' kind of news I have been hearing from very own peers and people I know for the past 1-2 years now and I guess everyone has decided it's the age to settle down.
You know, it's just so funny that everyone has just found their someone (that particular right guy/gal) and decide to just, stay put and spend eternity with the love of their lives and while, some of us on the other side of the globe are just so overwhelmed by other things in their life that they lost track of time.

Meeting the right person is a key thing here; sometimes, some of us may not know whether we have found the right person
OR
We may have found the right person but the timing is just not right and before you know it, you have missed the right person
But, another question springs to mind, how could we have miss the right person?

Well, timing plays an important role too

I have always thought that when you meet the right person, you'd always know
Throw in the right timing and the right kind of place, BAM, before you know it, you may be headed for the aisle in a jiff!

Falling in love cannot be planned, you can't just think whether it's right or wrong
You just fall
That's why it's called falling in love
Cupid strikes and you're head over heels

You start to float to the skies and everytime you think of him/her, you just swoon and you just smile dreamily
You will be swept off your feet when you look at him
You will blush when he smiles or look at you in the eyes
You will even feel a skip of your heartbeat when you hear his voice
You will never say no to him
You feel so sweet when you hear from him that you don't even need desserts
You look forward to meeting him so much that you will check your time throughout the day, can't wait for the hour to arrive

You will always feel the time with the person is not enough
You look forward to every single moment you spend with him
When you are with another person, you still wonder how's he doing
You will think of him constantly; he's just right there on your mind
You will think of him the minute the phone rings
You think of him every single waking moment
You just smile when you reminisced all the times with him
You get worried when he's late, or didn't return your call instead of getting impatient or mad
You will think of him, wonder whether he also has you on his mind

You missed him all the time, and one day away from him seems so long
You can't wait to see him
You just can't get him out of your mind
You're upset when he's upset and cries along with him
You're over the moon when's happy
You're angry when someone's made him angry
You just share his emotions and you love to see his smile or when he's happy with something

It's the same with the guy as well
When you're truly in love with someone, you just become all silly and you're willing to go any extent to make her smile

Now, that's love, and what I think it's love
True love, falling in love
How many of us truly experienced that?
A love that is so beautiful and groovy
The type that touches you to the bone

The type that makes you cry and feel so helpless when you're heartbroken or when it ends
The type that makes you think that all this while, you thought it was love until you meet HIM/HER

It's complicated, but yet it's just so special
I don't know how to describe nor define love
I am no expert in love either
Perhaps we are all still in search for love

Perhaps we will not know until we know ourselves
We may think we love someone but turn around, not really
We may think we are in love, but we feel confused and unhappy sometimes
Are we really in love?

Some just go from one love to another
Hopping from one to the next
Are they really in love or just looking for relief or rebound?
Are they just there to prove that they can find someone better?
If you are in love, there is nothing of that sort
All you want to do is find that person out there whom you love
You will not want to hurt him/her
You will forgive him/her for all that past mistakes
You will wish him/her happy

When you are in love and the person you love doesn't love you, you will not hold onto him/her
You will let him go
You cry in your heart alone but you wish for his/her happiness if he/she is in love with someone else
Love is never selfish
Love does not need to be returned
If you truly love, you will find love

The worst kind of love is sitting next to the person you love so much that your heart aches, but yet he/she doesn't know
The worst kind of love is sitting next to the person you love and yet, you can't tell them at all you love them (because of certain circumstances)

Love is not to be expected
Love is not to be reciprocrated all the time
Sometimes we can't force someone to love us just because we love them
We have to be content that love came to us and grew in our hearts
We pray that they too find their own love
If you love someone, you will never plant your tears in their heart
You only let them see your smile and happiness so that they will always smile when they see you

How will we find love?
How will we know love?
How will we recognize love?
How do we love?

Undefined answers; but I know we cannot find love
Love comes when you least expect it
Some of us may not be ready and then it goes away again
But I always believe that if it is meant to be, it's meant to be
Sometimes we regret for missing it, and we hate ourselves for letting it go
But if it's yours, it will always come back
Do not try to know or recognize love
Because we don't have to
When it comes, it recognizes us and itself
And when you know, you will be smiling to yourself

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

Have we all found our true love?
Someday
They must be somewhere out there
And there will be a day when we fall in love....
And that's when you feel your life is complete
When you find that someone who shares the same interest in your music
Who loves reading those books you read or share his thought or two
Who is interested in whatever you are interested in
And you are interested in whatever he's doing
And you will just think that
Your world is perfect

Love completes
Love complements
Love soothes
Love comforts
Love heals
Love makes you happy
Love makes you sad
Love makes you smile
Love makes you cry
Love makes your heart blossom
Love just breaks your heart

Whatever love does,
Love is simple beautiful

And I just know
Someday, somewhere

Love is there
It's everywhere, for our one true love
Out there....one day

Sleepless Night

I couldn't manage to get much of a wink the entire night; now it wasn't because I thought too much, or I don't know, but it was really hot the whole night.

I tried to sleep after cooling myself a little but I woke up through the night.
I finally opened my eyes at 6am; actually I woke up earlier at 5 but I refused to allow myself to wake up since I didn't sleep much.

Anyway, I didn't feel tired until now and am still very much alive, running around getting all my things done.

I just hate it when sleep's not in sync with me
I just hate it when I can't go to sleep

I shall not think
I shall void my memory of thoughts tonight; heaven forbid if I even think of the cars out on the road
I shall block my mind of any possibilities of dreams

Now, how do I do that?
Can someone invent me a "Sleep-Well-No-Dreams-or-Thoughts" machine?
Thank you in advance and I assure that you have my warmest regards

My Interview with the Doctor

After reading all about that drama of me having an internal self-professed battle with the choice of going or not going to the clinic, I finally decided to go after running through the whole list of my company's panel clinics and settled on one clinic near my neighborhood.

I walked into the clinic nervously (I can't believe I have this phobia of clinics and doctors NOW!)
It was a very old-fashioned clinic with those design of a clinic from the 70's; and the dim fluorescent lights and the spinning ceiling fan, you felt like you were transported back to those old times in the 50's-70's where I half expected some old men wearing a singlet matched with a short pant and a pair of Japanese slippers sitting on the wooden bench; holding a fan in one hand and putting his other hand on his hip.
I also imagined that there will be some women walking in; wearing samfoo-type of attire and holding a basket in one hand and a lace handkerchief in another while waving it at her short curly hair and trying amicably to avoid the stares from some of the men sitting there.
Ha...imaginative right?

The reception table was wide open and when you stand there, they even have potted plants around the area.
I waited patiently for the nurse; I would call her more of a clinical assistant to finish ransacking her drawers for patients' files to attend to me.
She seemed to finally notice me and pushing back her glasses, she took my card and requested for my IC; asking me crudely, "Is this your first time here?"
I almost uttered "Yes, mam" but I managed a yes to that question upon which I was asked a string of questions on my current address in Penang and also my cell phone number.

Shortly after, she asked me on my allergy histories; and I told her promptly.
She asked me, "Please spell those"
I almost gawked in surprise; but it's okay, now you know why I called her a clinical assistant instead of a nurse?
I made a mental note to personally remind the doctor later on my allergies again.

Anyway, I noticed that the nurses call for you from the reception or the dispensary counter and tell you to open your own door and walk into the doctor's consultation room.
They were short of assistants I believe but nevertheless, I find it very amusing.

When it was my turn, I walked to the door and hesitated whether I should knock or not and I did manage a small knock before I turned the knob of the door.
I saw a very old-fashioned room and for a moment, I thought I must have walked into the wrong room until I saw the doctor sitting at a small desk tucked away in a corner on my right.
(He should have made a noise or something to acknowledge his own presence there!)

I sat down promptly and told him about my predicaments.
He took my temperature and my blood pressure and then I related to him, on a side note on my right hand's discomfort.

Doctor: Do you work with the computers a lot?
Me: Yes, doctor (hence the discomfort I am feeling)
Doctor: Do you have Internet access at home?
Me: Yes, doctor
Doctor: Okay, go home, log on to Google, type in Ergonomics and read up. There should be about 7 pages long, but read those up and practise those exercises. It will help.
***Haha, this is one cool doctor, for a moment, I thought he was going to tell me not to get hooked onto the Internet too much***

Me: Actually I have started on those exercises, but it was after those pains. So, at what point should I start to worry? The pain is there now, I am not sure how serious it is
Doctor: Just do those exercises, it will relieve the pain. Typically, when things get serious, you may be required to do a small operation which will cut into your wrist to release that pressure there.
Me: But that's not a permanent cure, right?
Doctor: Oh yes, it is. But why would you want to cut into your own hand when you can prevent it by the exercises right? So find time to read and practise it!
Me: (speechless, nods obediently)

Doctor: Do you sleep well?
Me: Not really recently, it seems like my sleep is disrupted of its normal pattern
Doctor: Why can't you sleep?
Me: I don't know, it seems like I could sleep one night and the next night,I can't. Then following the fatigue of the night I couldn't sleep, I could sleep again the next night. It's like every other day I could sleep
Doctor: What time do you sleep?
Me: (pleased at my good bedtime hours) 9.30-10, doctor
Doctor: Why you sleep so early? Try sleeping at 11-11.30, then you can sleep without disruption
Me: (Stunned, for the first time, a doctor tells me to sleep late???!! My mind couldn't process any further) It's been like that since childhood
(Can you imagine how down I felt, shaking my head vigorously mentally)
Doctor: Oh, since childhood, regular sleeping hours ya? So you still get sleep about 5-6 hours, right? What time do you wake up?
Me: 6-7 or 5-6 sometimes; about 7-8 hours
Doctor: (starts calculating in his head) Wow, that's 8-9 hours...that's a lot of sleep
Me: (about to faint) Yes, doctor (smiles meekly)

I couldn't help feeling tickled by this whole conversation and I find this doctor really amusing and kind.
Frankly, I would not withhold any possibility of me going back to visit him in the future...TOUCHWOOD!
I do not want to get sick anymore in the very near future....

But I tell you, when doctors in Penang don't annoy me, they amuse me!
God bless these doctors...hehehe :)

Of Doctors and clinics

Now, why is it always so hard for me to go see a doctor when I am sick?
Seriously, this is not me we are talking about

Me? The girl who loves doctors and are often obedient to doctor's advice and though she hates the bitter taste of those yucky pink liquids they made her drink when she had a fever when she was five, she still listens to all the prescription and religiously consume her medicine
The girl who listens so much to doctors and even admires them that she even aspires to be a doctor one day
She even wanted to be a specialist to help the needy people who are sick

And now, I am afraid of going to see a doctor in Penang?
I avoid them like plague, gosh, this is so not me
But well, if you were to follow the string back to the thread roll, then yeah, it all happened three years ago when I landed my first job here.
If you've been following my blog for a few years now, you'd have known that all my experiences with Penang doctors have been horrifying and a total nightmare.

Want to call that luck?
Maybe, maybe I am just so unfortunate to have stumbled upon all the ugly faces of the doctors here on this island?
I never have this problem in my hometown in the capital!

Perhaps the traumatizing experience with all the doctors here has scarred me and has prevented me from going to any of them
There is obviously no faith at all in any of them
Arrrrggghhhhh
Call me stubborn; but let's see how you react when you've been, let's see:
1. scolded by a doctor
2. reprimanded by a doctor
3. scarred by a doctor
4. mis-treated by a doctor
5. wrong prescription
6. didn't recover and gotten worse, gone back and got scolded because you have yet to finish the medicine (there's only 1 more tablet left!)
7. got asked by a 24-hr clinic why you were there so early to see the doctor
8. being overcharged for a simple consultation

Now there's many more and I am not about to waste my time writing them all down here, but the bottom line is; I start to have this phobia of doctors or even going near clinics
I may need an MC to submit to my office when I am sick and that's when I grudgingly drag my feet to the clinic which I just conveniently dump their medicine aside and depend on my willpower to recover

Yeah, it's that bad...and I try to avoid them
So it's always that hard for me when I fall sick
As if I have nothing else to worry about
I feel so tired and really need to rest and I need some professional medical advice but I just refuse to trust from any of them here

There is one doctor whom I like very much here; and I often go to his clinic
But now, his clinic is not even on my list of panel doctors
And my great company recently decided to put such a strong foot on "how you must go to panel clinics or no claim" statement that I can no longer go there unless I intend to pay on my own
So, this practically is not such a good thing and I know I can choose, but in this economic situation, beggars can't be choosers

So I have to go through the list of all the panel clinics and identifying a few already on my blacklist (now why is it that my fave clinic does not make it to the panel clinic list but my blacklisted clinics are all on the list??? Unlucky me!)

I know I need to go to a clinic soon; I need medical help
But perhaps I can wait and depend on my willpower again?
And people, stop yakking at my ears to tell me to go to a doctor
I know I know, so stop it...

It is always going to be hard for me....
I can't choose which clinic...hard!

A Choice

At times I do feel like things are unfulfilled
And when things don't go my way, I do feel a little frustrated

However, I always think that there is a choice
I can make that choice

Sometimes when we feel that we may be in for a wrong thing
But turns out, it may be right
The right thing is, we are right about the fact that it is wrong, right?

To me, I have learnt through the ups and downs in my life
And I am still learning; because there is still such a long road in front of me
The best thing is, I know I can always choose

I can choose to smile when it rains and celebrate it
I hate the sun; because it is hot
But it is a choice for me to choose to feel upset when it is so hot or to smile and say, hey, at least I am not getting wet today

I can feel upset when people let me down
Or I can choose to feel happy that I can see the true gem of love in the eyes of the people around who love me
I can feel so depressed when I am betrayed
Or I can choose to be happy that I have seen and in times like these, who are the true kind at heart who stood by me

I can complain about feeling tired about my job and that I am getting nowhere
Or I can feel content that I have a job and perhaps I haven't look into all the opportunities around me yet

I can say a million things about how bad the things look around me
Or I can choose to make a choice on how to make things look better
Or to see me in my true self in learning how to handle the good and the bad news

I can despair over people who do not care about me
and lament over people who just ignore me
Or I can choose to think about how I care about them and how they will understand in the future
Just like how the people around me who have cared about me and have touched me in my heart

It is all a matter of a choice

We can all complain and bitch about things in our life that do not go well
Things that do not augur well or prosper the way we want it in order to achieve the success of those prominent figures
But we can also look at the good things that have happened in our life
The times when success were in our hands and the chances that have and will come by

When things go wrong, as it always will, I shall not let it control me at all times
It is a matter of a choice
Something that I think it is worth learning (I am learning more and more along the way)

We are bound to face temptations; no one is exceptional
I can think of a million things that have bothered me in the past and the present
But I can also think of a million things that have made me happy and content since I was born

I have been sad, frustrated, pained, and let down
I have also been tormented, disappointed, angry and distressed
But I can definitely recall the times that I have been cheerful, happy, positive and feel hopeful
I have also felt appreciated, cared for, patient and excited

I have felt that sometimes have I made a wrong choice
And I may have been happier had I given another choice to choose again
But I also know that in making a choice, I am responsible
And if I know it is wrong, I should choose to make it right again
It may have been a wrong choice, but was I truly that unhappy with that choice?
Given another choice, why do I need to turn back time?
The past is the past, let bygones be bygones
Nothing can undo the past
(Time machines are, and will remain a sci-fi tool)
In reality, nothing we can do to stop time from passing by
We cannot turn back the wheel of time nor can we freeze or stop time
(Piper in Charmed is again, a fictional character, please only watch for entertainment purpose. Of course, it will be fun to once in a while wish you could freeze time)

What we can do however, is to make sure we appreciate each moment
To use each precious moment to understand ourselves better
And to make a good choice at each of those important moment

It is through our own love and appreciation that we will know how to make a choice
I choose to be happy
I choose to smile each day instead of frowning (it causes wrinkles and expedites the aging process anyway!)
I choose to say that my job is good, how do I make it better instead of dragging my feet to work and cursing silently why the hell am I doing this
I choose to be nice to people and to listen to why certain people are doing certain things than to yell and be frustrated when people disagree with my points (although I'd enjoy an exchange of debate once in a while for positive and constructive confrontation)

It is a choice I want to make
To make my entire life memorable
To make myself happy
It is a choice of mine
To be successful and to remind myself of my past successes and how I can retain or grow them further
I always believed in everyone's own unique talent and potential
It is a choice whether we have looked into it and unleash it

It is a choice...
When we were born, we are already winners
We have made it into the world healthy and alive

It is on our own hands and feet which we grew up on (of course, with financial support and care from our dear parents who brought us into the world)
Our parents and family are our hope
They will never let us down
(For those who have been let down by your families, I am sure you have found comfort somewhere as well; in welfare/social workers, your teachers, or people by the roadside who have lent you a helping hand before or even someone who just smiled at you)

Do not blame people for not loving you
Ask yourself whether you have loved yourself enough
I want to love myself more than to get people to love me
It is a choice to make ourselves feel loved
We must love ourselves
It is a choice of others to choose who they love

Life is precious
It is a choice whether we want to appreciate and live it the way we want
Or to throw it away in despair
We are given a choice to live or die

And we have made that choice by standing here today
What will your next choice?

I choose to live and for that, I want to be happy

This is a happy post; and I want to make everyone feel that there is hope in life
I know things may not always seem so desirable
Nor are they born out of fairy tales where things will be perfect
It is inevitable
We can never understand how others feel when they are in pain until we experience it ourselves

But by then, it becomes our choice, ain't it?
If we choose to succumb to the pain and end our lives, then it is a choice
Or we choose to heal the wound to get rid of the pain, and vow to live even better, it is also our choice

No one else can make that choice for anyone
It is ME that I need to make the choice for myself

Now, have you made a choice to do what you want to love yourself and make yourself happier?
It is YOUR choice

Wrong is Right-ed

Now now, that is grammatically and usage wrongly used in the title. There is no such word as right-ed.

I was mulling and mourning over a small mistake made; which was to me, a very very silly move on my part and it took 4 days/nights to fix it.
Well, the most important is it is finally fixed and it relived the hope in me.
I had faith and prayed hard; although I find it unnecessary to bug God about these trivial matters.
I must have bugged the entire Heaven when I prayed so hard for the solution!

Anyway, thank God that things are now okay and I am happy:)

Thanks for those who prayed for me too:)

Faith brings Hope!~

Dream, dream dream - The Interpreted meaning?

Back to my earlier dream which happened after a tiring trip and a exhaustingly deep slumber, I was greeted with all the funny happenings in my dream (please refer to the previous posts).

Now to decipher the meaning of the whole dream (thanks to Stan for providing your insights as well), I have to break the entire dream into different segments; reason being, it was too long and too many elements involved and I believe this is due to the intertwining events and also the things running on my mind at the moment.

1. The first part of the dream where I walk into the room; and I see 2 guys and we were supposed to be working on an assignment. Initially I was friendly, and then I grow hostile.
One guy was an ex-admirer, the other, I could not remember/recall his face. His face was blurred.
Interpretation:
It is a swing in between the past and future of my love/relationship. I walked into the room; means I wanted to be confident and to face what is coming for me.
The ex-admirer represents the past; someone who used to care a lot for me, and perhaps he has a certain weightage and influence in my life and to a certain extent, Stan, you're probably right. He probably still has feelings for me, and that was probably a doubt I had. I am not sure how to deal with it, and yet at the same time, I was confused.
At the back of my mind, I am probably wondering the same thing myself, does he still have feelings for me or is it over?
I am stuck in my subconscious mind, and I am not sure whether to treat him as a friend (the friendly talk) or to totally give him the same treatment (hostility).
At the same time, I believe, it is also due to the holding on to the past that I can't see into the future.
I am not sure and I have doubts about the future (blurred face). I am not sure how to move on in my future relationship.
The first part of the dream is about my relationship.

2. Move on to a part where I seem to meeting a lot of old friends from my old school whom I have missed and we seemed to be gathering for something. Yet at the same time I was worried about my belongings while they were excited about the event.
Interpretation:
I am learning to trust people; to have faith in people and yet at the same time, I wonder how do people around me help or give me a hand when I am in need (the worry about belongings)

3. I was told to lock my stuffs in a designated locker area and I walked alone. I was greeted by lockers and a place which is so familiar (it is just Gurney drive scene). There were 2 Indian guys who ignored me while giving me the keys and my lockers were so small. It was old wood and even after I have locked my stuffs in, there's still doubt over whether I should keep it locked or carry my purse/cell phone with me. When I look up, numbers on lockers changed.
Interpretation:
I am an abiding person, and I do not want to trouble people (told and walk alone).
I am indecisive, how to make up my mind. Again, Stan is right, I value my belongings very very much and the strong image of my purse and my beloved phone was also a worry over what will happen to them. I can't seem to find the courage to trust that the locker can keep my things -> I can't find the space in which I should let trust in people.
The 2 Indian men who ignored and talking about others are strangers who will always be ignorant of my presence; since I do not trust anyway. When I decide to make a decision, the time has passed (numbers on lockers changed)
Also at the same time, it is a subconscious warning from my mind to be careful with my belongings (prominent image of purse and cell phone; right now, one of them is in trouble anyway:(

4. Significance of the numbers
2-7-9 and 7-2-9 on lockers
It could be a time indication; or it could be the amount of time I should wait for things to be fixed or for things to move on.
This, I am not too sure

5. The talk about the dead not being dead, and the commotion across the street of a man lying down and people gathering around. I was not really listening and yet could relate to the previous talk of the 2 Indian men about the dead could be roaming around preying on humans.
Interpretation:
Sometimes things may not be what they seems (dead not dead), and no matter what I do, there will always be people who will talk about it, be it right or wrong. (People gathering, commotion and Indian men conversing)
Most importantly, I should know what I am doing, I may not intend something, but sometimes things just happen (listening and relation to the conversation)
My inner self is also saying that I am still bothered by the past betrayal and that I worry too much about hurting others and people harming me. People who put on a front and yet stab me in the back (dead roaming and prey on humans)

6. Goosebumps raising and saw the dead man covered with white cloth. Cell phone rang and thinking of going home. Yet friend told me to stay where I was and as I looked at the clock showing 6 o' clock which was already late and the game wouldn't last long, I still somehow managed to say yes, I will stay.
Interpretation:
I tried to put on a brave front and ignore things; despite my fear. I do not like to offend people or be a spoilsport and yet at times, it is at the expense of my own fear and misery (not saying no).
I will do anything as long as I am being nice and not offensive as I do not want people to be hurt; no matter how late or how aware I was that I am going to be hurt (the clear image of past 6 o' clock, is past evening)

7. Friend told me that the opposing team is on the hunt and we would be shot with water pistols and we have to lie down to play dead once we are shot.
I was concerned with the opposing team we are playing against, and I know the team of my ex-admirer, team 4 and when friend mentioned Team 4, and my attention was diverted by the missing man on the street
I heard someone say "He's not dead, just now they were very sure he's dead?"
I stood there, thinking of the game, to go home, to take my belongings, my friends, team 4...woke up from dream
Interpretation:
I am anxious to meet people from the past; or to be precise enemies from the past still haunting me. I am afraid to be held against them and I'd rather play a deaf ear or pretend not knowing them than to be reminded of some sad incidents (hunting, shot, lie down to play dead).
I was also very concerned with close relationships and friends of the past, people who have both loved and cared about me and I know not what to do and yet, I know what I am supposed to do when we encounter (I know the ex-admirer in which team and the exact team came out). What I fear will not go away, it will come to reality (dead man missing and the precise guess of team 4 with the expected team 4 of my ex-admirer). I will still need to face my ex-admirer no matter how I avoid, and it is my choice to face him. At the same time, this may not be my biggest fear/worry as there will be other things happening at the same time which could create a bigger fear (diversion of attention to the dead man who is not dead).
I am worried about so many things; and everything seems to on my mind simultaneously that the sequence seem jumbled up

But I am still concerned about belongings (myself), game (my responsibilites), how I want to go home (family), how to tell my friends I want to go home (people around me), Team 4 (my past and present in relationship), 6 o' clock (how much time I have) and the dead man (what else could possibly happen?)

I am a worry-wart, and seriously, it was to as much as I can interpret, and though this was in my subconscious mind, I must say, in my conscious state, it is pretty accurate as well...

Gosh, I need to really give my mind a good rest...
But how could I when I still can't stop worrying, even at this point when things happen?

Why, why this mistake?

Just when things are all going wrong and me, just dreaming hazily into the afternoon sun and all of sudden, a single tap led to this big mistake

And to make it worse, the solution doesn't seem to work to fix it after 3 tiresome days!
I am so frustrated
I am so worried, anxious
I am feeling so sick to the gore right now
When is this going to be over?

I want things to be back to normal
Return it to me....please come back to me...

I can't do anything, but to pray
I do not want to lose my precious belonging
I don't know who to turn to
Who else can help me....I need strength to go on

I know I should be positive but I am running out of optimism
It's 3 days, what do you when someone's in a surgery room for 3 days?

Gosh....
I need to be patient, I need to stay focused
Everything can be fixed and things will be back to normal

RIGHT?

Don't worry, be happy

I have just made a silly mistake, and now I am worried sick

It can be fixed of course, but I still feel that it was unnecessarily made in the first place.

Why did one thing has to go wrong when I am right in the middle of everything going good?

Hahaha...I LAUGH at my silliness sometimes...
I should sing, Don't Worry, Be Happy, and snap my fingers along to that tune by Bobby Darin yea?

Happy Day to myself and to all; despite all the stuffs that I have been facing since I came to work this morning....but to make myself better, yeah, Happy Happy to myself:)

Can we erase our memory?

When you remember all the things that have been depressed you some time ago, you wished that they never happened

When you think of how it happened, you wished you were never there

Is it possible to erase the memory and pretend nothing ever happened?
What if your memory is just so good?
And isn't that denial?

Another option, totally stay away from the people who are associated or in any way could remind you of the sadness...

Another denial, but it may work...

Because I have a damn good of a memory when it comes to things like this...

Dream....dream....dream

I was so tired last night; after my short journey back from home for Easter which I made it a point to celebrate with my family.
Yippeee....was really happy to see them and to rejoice:)

I was trying to hit the sack early and yet, I only got to sleep at 10.30pm, after the unpacking, etc (me being a perfectionist)

I think it was a deep sleep in the beginning until the wee hours in the morning where I was suddenly in a dream where I was myself and with 2 guys (one of whom was a guy who used to be an admirer) and we were seated at the table.
We seemed to be working on something (I don't know what) and initially I was talking to them.
Then I guess it was a few days and slowly I became unresponsive; towards the admirer guy.
I think there was a little of indignation sensed in me as he was a little hostile as well towards me, and so I retorted back by talking to everyone else and smiling at them except at him.
I just refused to smile at him.

Then he was anxious and tried to ask me, why was I reacting that way?
I still ignored him, and then it switched to another scene where I saw a lot of my old girl friends whom I was close to during school days.
They seemed to be gathering at a place to play hide-and-seek or some interesting hunt between 2 teams.
I was worried about my purse and cell phone and asked them whether they have kept their valuables somewhere.

They told me that most of them will be bringing it along with them, but if I need to, I can secure my stuffs in a locker area.
I went there, and it really looked so curiously like Gurney area.
While I was checking in my stuffs, there were 2 dark-skinned guys manning the counter and they were talking about how someone was not dead yet and it's creepy, there may even be some zombies around.
I was given my key and I looked up at all the small lockers; more like pigeon holes above me.
They were made of wood and were so old and musty that you could sneeze at the flying saw dust.
I looked at all the numbers; and I could even remember the number of my locker; 7-2-9....but that was the first number.
After I locked my stuffs in, I held the key and I was in doubt; maybe I still didn't feel safe with my stuffs in and I wanted to make sure it was locked.
I looked up at my locker again, and surprisingly, the numbers have all switched places compared to the first time when I saw them.
This time, my key only fit into the locker numbered 2-9-7
I was definitely in doubt and as I was busy trying the keys and locking and unlocking my stuffs, wondering whether I should take out my stuffs and keep it with me or lock them up (in case they get lost during the game), there was a commotion across the street.

As I looked towards that direction, I saw a place which looked just like Gurney Drive (seriously!)
There was a guy lying by the side of the road, he seemed motionless and a few people were standing there.
The two guys at the counter were no longer there, and I recalled their words, "...dead but may not be dead, and roam around, preying on humans..."

At those words, I felt goosebumps and my hair raising on its end.
They took a white cloth to cover that man across the street, I guess he was dead.

Suddenly my cell phone rang, and my girl friend called me, asking where I was.
The clock showed 2 minutes past 6 (analog clock) and deep down inside my heart, I wanted to flee the place to go home although I felt guilty towards my friends and what if they were mad at me?
So somehow I answered that I was ready and about to head to the assembly area although I had those fleeing thoughts in my mind.

My friend (she was brave and rather boyish) told me that they have started the game and that I should stay where I am right now (I told her I was near Gurney).
She said the opposing team is starting to hunt us, and if I stayed where I was, there was a high chance they won't find me.
I was confused and I asked her what are the rules of the game to which she explained rather hastily, and I only remembered, that if we were caught, we will be shot with the water machine gun and we need to lie down to play dead.
Somehow, the admirer came into my mind and I asked her, which team are we playing against.

The admirer was in Team 4 and somehow she answered exactly that team.
I wasn't paying attention anymore, as I saw the man beside the road is no longer covered in white cloth.
People seem to be slowly deserting the street and I heard someone said, "he doesn't seem to be dead anymore, although just now they were very sure he was dead"

I stood there, rooted to the ground and I wondered, should I stay for the game and for the sake of my belongings or should I just run away from everything?
So many things came into my mind; my purse, my cell phone, Team 4, my friend, and my fear....

Suddenly, I just woke up...

I tried to sleep again, for I wanted to know how it end...for it felt like I was watching a movie....

But I couldn't anymore....

I will share on the significance of this dream once I have it figured out....unless anyone can enlighten on this as well?

Emotional and into the mood

Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and the much anticipated Holy Easter Vigil after the solemn observation of the dying on the cross for the sake of the great power of love all brought a very meaningful sequence to me, especially this year.

I wonder why, when I have been born a Catholic my whole entire life.
Perhaps it is the deeper understanding and into-the-feeling?

I guess so, when you are just celebrating it as a routine, it is just special for the celebration purpose.
But when I am participating, that's where things took a change.

Father is right; most of us are mere spectators when it comes to celebration at mass.
That's why we could feel the length of the mass or the amount of time we need to take to get to mass.

When we participate in the events, when we are part of the events, we FEEL and understand the whole picture.
We understand what it takes to do something, to complete an event.

When we watch, we appreciate
When we DO/JOIN in, we are a part of it and the emotions are stronger
We no longer appreciate, we can FEEL what it's like

And that's how I felt...
emotional
The sequence of how my Lord died, and WHY he did it...
It was touching
And it touched me to the very core of my heart

It was a big realization
and that is why Christians rejoice
there is no greater love than this

I truly am painful when the Lord is in pain
And I wiped back my tears when I know why he would do it
Given another chance for him to turn back the clock for another chance,
I am very sure HE would still do it
Because he loved us too much
And the pain he went through is for us
There is indeed no greater love

He was betrayed by the one he loved and who loved him
And yet he never blame anyone
Even when people put him to death for no reason
He still asked for forgiveness for the excuse that they do not know anything
I could feel that pain of betrayal and also false accusation

He did not falter
He stood up and told everyone that he is ready
Even though the pain was unbearable, he DID it
Because he knows his father wants him to
He was weary, he did not give up

But before his last breath, he was also exhausted that he asked the Father for support
He showed that like us, HE also needs love

And for that, I am very touched
Thank you Jesus
Thank you Father for the cross and your one and only son

I am looking forward to rejoicing in the Lord's resurrection
It is still a moment of solemn reflection as we await in hope

Happy Birthday to me..my rain

I love it when it rains...

I have always loved the rain and the sounds that go 'pitter-patter' on the roof or the floor when it rains

To me, it gives me a very peaceful and tranquil feeling when it does that...

And I just feel happy and inspired...

I often write poems when it rains, see how it inspires me?

The happiness is just like when I look forward to my birthday...

Hehe, so Happy Birthday to me when it rains...

If you read in my Angelstar blog, I have also mentioned that I think I will love snow as much.
In fact, I've always looked forward to see snow although I am not sure whether I cna bear the cold that comes along with the snow.

I would love snow globes as much....
Wonder whether I can design some of those 'Rain-globes'?

I think it will be my personal favorite =)

P.S:
Too bad I won't be getting a present each time it rains...LOL ;P
(Now that's too much to ask for, and people will start praying it doesn't rain....so not good to be greedy!)

I Pray

As I pray and reflect over the events in the Bible these few nights, I am reminded of our sins and how we are saved today by the Lord's Sacrifice.

It is meaningful and I want to be a better person as my Lord wants me to....

If you think you are a good person now, you can be a better person =)

I pray for everyone in my life...

Peace

Am I Who I AM?

I just found out/realize that I was not the person I thought I was

..........................

I Cry

Every night I find it so hard to sleep
Cause I keep thinkin of you
And these feelings from me
Oh baby, I try to hide all these feelings for you
I keep them all locked inside
I dont know what else to do

So I cry
And nobody hears me, I cry
It`s my only solution, I cry
Through all this confusion I cry
With all of my heart, I cry

Sometimes I wonder, in the blink of an eye
Would you be willing to love me,
Would you give it a try?
I don`t know how elseto show you that
Our love could be real
I`d be eternally faithful ..
Forever Ifeel

So I cry
But nobody hears me, I cry
It`s my only solution, I cry
Through all this confusion i cry
With all of my heart, I cry

No one can tell me that I should let you go
Cause I know in my heart,
This feeling`s still runnin strong
Can`t get you out of my head,
Can`t get you out of my heart,
Can`t get you out of my life,
No matter if we`re apart

So I cry
But nobody hears me, I cry
It`s my only soulution, I cry
Through all this confusion I cry
With all of my heart, I cry

Dreams...

I have been having weird dreams lately; really weird....

First there is this piano, where I was sitting there playing note by note and all of a sudden, to my rightmost, those keys are not the normal piano keys
It appeared to have broken down and were connected using greyish white chopsticks
I didn't let that bother me and I just kept playing on those keys to get the tune I wanted, although, my eyes kept focusing on those broken keys
I can't get over how it looks despite it still giving me the tune I want

Interpretation:
I think there is something which I like and it is just something that makes me happy.
However, I am bothered by the faults or imperfection which exist in that something although I know it's not going to be a huge effect.
Physically and mentally though, I felt pressured to see through that imperfection.

On a separate occasion, another dream was this particular one where I was looking out of my kitchen window in my condo and I was staring at a cliff whereby there is a huge green mountain behind.
The cliff was like a clearing of some sort which appears to be greyish white (as you see in cement) and it's a striking contrast between that area against the lush greenery behind.
Then all of a sudden, there was a huge LION, yes, I meant a live breathing lion with that huge mane of hair jumping and standing at that ledge, staring at me.
It appeared to stare at me intently, and all of a sudden, it made a huge leap towards me!

I screamed and ran away from the kitchen window and hid behind the walls.
I was so Scared and yet I asked myself, "How is it possible that there is a living animal such as a lion in my residential area? Furthermore, it is a condominium in a quiet environment, with a huge hill behind it"
I tried to peep and once in a while, I see the golden mane appearing here and there
Then I took a bold move, after goodness knows how long I was hiding behind those walls and I opened the main door, with shivering hands.
I walked and found that the whole area near my condo seems like a living jungle.
There were flying birds and I even see monkeys!
I was so afraid and ran back to my house; and I was worrying over whether the lion is still after me....

And that was when I woke up
But seriously, the sight of the lion charging at me was such a vivid image that I could remember it so clearly even during my waking hours.

Interpretation
I am trying to interpret this dream and I am thinking that I may be worried about some change in my life and the threats that may come along with it
That is why I am seeing myself in my own home (within my own comfort) and at the same time, the lion probably symbolizes a big change or a threat which makes me worried or afraid.
I am afraid of the unseen challenges and things that MAY happen
The bold move was that I will still put on my front to be courageous but I may feel insecure with the change
The drastic and unexpected change in the environment around me (the appearance of a living jungle) will force to take up some challenges which came along with the change.
I may not be ready; as I am still afraid and insecure....