Two years

I have been really worked out lately; with the tight and crazy schedule and the deadlines everyone is screaming to meet and yeah, literally screaming my head off as well.
It's tough I know but work is bound to be like that; I wouldn't want to lay back and just idle my time away at work; and neither would I want to land myself in something like that.
Crazy as it sounds, I do like being busy and I feel a sense of accomplishment when I complete my tasks on time, etc.
However, I have to admit, the toll the stress is taking on me is not that simple as well; as I have really been stretched to the limit and mentally, it was really heavy load.
I had to skip my normal bedtime and also meal times and really just sit right in front of the screen; doing all the paperwork and also viewing and checking on all the minute details which will contribute a lot to the final product. It didn't help with people running around to my cube and rushing me to complete this and that!

Atop that, I need to commit to the Annual Dinner planning and also practices, meetings, etc.
Push all these work-related matters aside and I am still bogged down by the other stuffs which have been lingering in my mind and also, well, suffice to say, matters of the heart.
It's been sad; remember I have been going through an emotional turmoil over the past year and I thought the new year should have been better (this year) but I guess it was only my surreal imagination.
Moving out from that traumatic experience and place where I have slowly gotten back on my feet and also my efforts of brainwashing myself have finally paid off to move to a new phase in my life to live it out happily surrounded by friends and a more politically-free world where I just want to be myself and do my work; and having fun and stress-free life(apart from deadlines) in whatever I do.

Initially things started out great and I have (or so I thought) found solace and freedom in my bunch of good friends working in the PG campus site; and great, I was really blending in and having so much fun joining in all the fun activities and also playing my part in getting things done. I felt so much appreciated and loved over here; of course at the same time, actually had new interests around and soon, I was content and felt that those troubles should be left behind; cast as a shadow behind me.
It was going on great for the first half of the year and I was really happy; despite the worries and stress on my work,etc.

Recently, I guess the dark clouds loomed near again and I was just thrown back to where I first came; totally out of my own subconsciousness. Why oh why does this have to happen to me?
Am I really meant to be subjected to this for the rest of my life?
All of a sudden, I felt like I was pulled back into the black hole; where everyone is pointing and just glaring at me (okay, that was just an illustrative and literal depiction of the whole picture).
I don't know what happened; there seemed to be a revelation of some sort; or a cat was out of the bag and all of a sudden, people treated me like I was some kind of plague or criminal or something.It was devastating , I tell you:(
I have never felt more depressed and it's really disheartening particularly from people whom you thought you could depend on and your own circle of friends.
I thought they will understand or perhaps, you know, just have that faith to try it out in my shoes. Well, guess it's just part of human nature to be quick and judgemental particularly when it comes to the words of the wind.
I am truly saddened and also, I know there has been changes in the judgements and I am trying so hard to deal with it; like I said, it can be overwhelming for me to put that along with my work issues and trying to work them both out.
I am really tired; it's been one long year of battle and I thought it would end but no, this year again, I am falling into another round of battle again where I am standing here; all by myself and the world just seem to be decisive and affirming their beliefs against me.

If you do not understand whatever I am talking about here, don't, because it's not meant to be understood - i wanted to illustrate everything into poems, but I guess my mind has really been blocked from any form of inspiration for leisure.

I really can't take everything into my own hands; I am already depressed with my work and also the hostility faced in issues but if even my social life is breaking up, this will be a major and drastic blow and I am not sure how much more can I take it anymore.
One year of battle is already taxing on me and I was really amazed at myself; my own strength and willpower in dealing with the whole traumatizing experience but one more year may just pull me apart this time...and I am not sure how long...really, how long can I go on?
There is only so much one person can take; particularly a girl like me....
Sometimes I truly wonder, is there an escape route from all these; when can I truly leave all this behind? Is there a way to end and just leave everything behind?
I know; the D-word is never an option and God has taught me more than that for me to dwell into those thoughts and waste my gift from God but sometimes, it is just the mind's play when it comes to difficult and also troubling situations and then, all those devillish tricks come to mind!:(
I am just praying for more strength and also for the peace of my mind...but honestly, one has only that much a limit....

Two years.....two sad years....

Awake!

Okay, first I get weird dreams which spells my insecurity and now, couldn't sleep for the night???!!:(

I went to bed at my usual bedtime and slept soundly after talking on the phone with Mummy and DearDear.
Then I was awoke by the sounds of the rain pattering hard against my window pane and when I blinked my eyes, I knew it was a stormy night. I tossed over and stared at my clock; which showed 2.30a.m.
Okay...then I tried to get back to sleep and you know what, no matter how I tried, my eyes wouldn't shut and I just couldn't sleep.
After a few rounds to which I realize was already 3.45a.m, I just stirred myself out of bed and decided to just say hi to my laptop...hehe:D
I typed, did my work, edited some pictures and finally it was 5am...hehe, time to get ready:D

But seriously, I really do not know what's wrong, why can't I sleep?
Why is my brain still so active at night???? It's bedtime...sighs....I am definitely gonna have a panda day today...and the worst part is, I need to attend a meeting for the whole of the first half of today!!! AAARRGGGGHHHH!!!

Another dream...interpreted

I dreamt of yet another sad dream....I don't know why; is it true that dreams are actually a reverse or inverted reflection of reality?
I was not unhappy; in fact, far from that, I was pretty happy in the day but come night time and I get these dreams...and it's been for the past 2 nights:(
So sad....

Last night, I dreamt of myself crying and I was looking at my own family...Mummy was there...
But then the weird part was, this time the dream was reversed from the dream the day before.
In this dream, the first phase was actually pretty sad....and as I was saying, I was crying and telling my Mum and family about things....
Then in the 2nd part, things became normal and I see a normal family life...and my everyday life....

How do I interpret this?
I think (disclaimer: this is only my hypothesis, I am no guru in dreams interpretation)...in my opinion, my dreams reflect how I still have those inner fears but despite that, I do know that everything will be fine in the end...it's all a matter of time.
You see, the crying in the dream and the explaning of stuffs means that I am still worried and am unsure on whether I am doing the right thing but I just want to stand up and console myself on the decision I have made. At the same time, the family depicts I am also worried about the impression it may have created on others particularly those close to me and their reactions if they understand the reality of the situation.
As the crying subsides and moving on back to the norm of life in the 2nd phase, it is yet another inner thought that I do know that these things take time and that eventually, the storm will calm down and everything will still go on; life goes on....

Whatever it is, I do want these dreams to end...I want to sleep well:)

Fusion of a dream

I had a weird dream last night....I was pretty happy in the first phase of the dream...

I was dreaming that I am enjoying my blogs...writing and also making lots of friends and widening my circle....I was really very very very happy...elated in fact!
Then onto the 2nd phase of my dream, I dreamt that I was talking to an aunt and cousin whom I used to be kinda close to and all of a sudden, we came to a point of the conversation when we revealed our inner feelings and how we felt towards each other...and that was when I broke down crying and defended myself and telling them this is not true, they have been swerved in their thoughts and etc etc.
It was an emotional exchange in the conversation as we were in a way letting ourselves out and also argument pursues.
I only remembered the SAD feeling...such a major contrast from the hype and excitement from the first dream!

I was thinking about it and trying to interpret my own dream (I do know something about dream interpretation you know!:)
Anyway, what I can imagine is this....I've recently let out a secret and sort of open up myself (confiding in someone and also sharing out my blogs)..both at about the same time which really stirred up a hidden emotion and at the same time, it was a relief for myself.
The blogging part shows my inner self revealed and the laughter and friends show the happiness and return I gained from the revelation.
However, when it comes to the 2nd part, I guess I was still confused and unsure...being the worry wart, I was afraid of the consequences of telling someone about myself and also the people around me.
Perhaps I have been hurt before by this lady in the office whom I keep a distance from until today and I am worried on how she will try to harm me again despite my nonchalant response to her.
I am worried to the core.....

Sighs.....interpreting my own dreams...and it turned out to be a sad one:(